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avoiding the inevitable
i pack my bags and load my heavy heart
preparing myself for the long drive ahead.
it seems nothing's right these days-
drawers full of unfinished bad poetry
shelves of unread books
words covered in dust that have long since lost their meaning.
it's strange to think i used to be whole.
i used to be good.
i once was worthy.
now i'm just another bitter disappointment.
i just want to know when things stopped making sense,
when i stopped mattering, when i became so replacable.
so much for strength in solitude...
but i am not alone!
i have my bottle and my book of empty prayers,
not to mention the faded proofs of my glory days
back before fathers hurt their daughters,
and mothers forgot to care
back when family and together were synonyms.
these days i spread my emotions on canvas;
buttered bread looks more like art.
go ahead, judges. make your big red slash across my pretty white paper.
tell me i'm not good enough.
it's nothing new.
i accept the fact that i've become the person i never wanted to be-
the disappointment, the embarassment,
the pushover, the disgrace,
the talentless girl who lacks any real passion.
i know her well; we met at the bottom of a bottle once
and have been inseparable ever since.
i'm not sure what happened, what lead to my demise.
one day you're daddie's princess
the next your cheek is swollen with a red handprint
and your face is hot with tears.
how did we get here?
won't someone please care enough to tell me?
i'm still pathetically crying over lost love and dead friendships
but please don't mock me - i don't have the will to retaliate.
life has gotten so complicated;
i miss the simplicity of my innocence.
it got stolen a few months back -
right around the time the rest of my life came crashing down.
coincidence? i think not.
God sure does have a sick sense of humor.
first Bush takes office, now this?
piss on my parade a little more. please.
yearning for my long-lost youth,
i set off in search of something new, something better,
but all i find is the tear-stained pillow case where love in the flesh
used to lie.
lie is right.
love is a liar.
not to mention a stealer of the covers who leaves its chewed gum on my
windowsill.
sweet, huh?
i give my life a once-over and find emptiness where my heart used to beat.
i knew it had shrunk, but i never thought it would disappear altogether.
guess i was wrong...
about a lot of things.
