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I CAN'T IMAGINE HER HELL
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LYNN I could not believe my eyes,
As I went through boxes I thought I had unpacked and repacked.
I saw IT lying there...
HER DIARY.
I thought our relationship was wonderful,
I thought we had no major problems.
We had a blissful month of intimacy like I'd never known...
Not just the sex, but the consuming,
Of each others spirits,
Each others minds,
Each others souls.
And we were trying to build a life together,
With children,
A home,
A marraige.
I spent nine months with her before---
Before my illness broke me down,
The depression rolled in like a big fog bank,
And my medication petered out.
I dangled, suspended in air, by a thread I couldn't even call
HOPE.
I relied on her warm embrace to tell me she still needed me...
LOVED ME.
I prayed that she would not be scared by my illness...
AND DECIDE TO LEAVE ME.
But that is exactly what happened...
Except it wasn't my illness that broke us up.
As I read, through those pages,
Pregnancy after pregnancy...each non-existant.
Court case after court case...thinking ex's were after her.
Her ex's going through ringers in legal battles...over
Imagined persecution.
Children that I had never heard her speak of before...Because
THERE WEREN'T ANY.
She prayed to God constantly...and sinned in the next phrase.
Her signature penned differently on nearly every single date.
Her hand writing changed constantly...
And I finally started to read between the lines...........
There was more to her than ever could meet the eye.
Because there was more than one HER.
Someone admitted to being a sex addict, an alcoholic.
Someone admitted to being persecuted and hunted down,
To the point of fearing getting killed.
Someone was a child.
Someone else, wanted nothing more than friendship,
And yet another, just wanted to love and be loved.
But too many times,
Her mates, like me,
Got used to one of those women inside her...
Treated her in the manner they were accustomed to seeing...
Then she felt closed in, unappreciated, and left...
Only I didn't know who it was that replaced---
The her I grew to know and love.
I look back over the last nine months and wonder,
How many did I see?
How many did I know?
There is a being in her that knows,
Her life is a wreck and a shamble of what she desires in her
DREAMS.
She'll never have the life she wants,
She can't.
Faith, the virteous one, will always judge Ariel.
Ariel will always want to drink and have sex to escape.
But I didn't know that this stripper, was seperate from
The rest. I thought all these women were one.
Zandra will always want the schooling----so she can climb out
Of the squaller she came from.
She will LIE constantly,
About what and who she is.
If she could make phony documents appear real, she would.
It is Zandra, the PHD, who thinks--
That she can put the egg in her head together again.
Danielle, the child, who craves love so much,
THAT is the ONE I loved.
Ashleigh, the strong silent type,
Full of wisdom and emotions who loved and helped me.
The sad part is, not all of them, know they share one body.
They know not, that the other sabatoges the others progress,
THE OTHERS HAPPINESS.
I thought the legal nightmare was her way of just having fun,
AT MY EXPENSE.
Right now, I do not know whether to cry for myself,
I now have the answers she could not give me.
I do not know whether or not to cry for her...
What a nightmare she lives in...
Conscious of her plight one minute,
Then she drowns in blackness the next,
NEVER knowing consequences of what another being did.
And the bigger portion...
I am slow to anger, slow to take action,
What will happen when some demon pushes someone else too far?
Yes, these are her demons,
These people who live inside her head,
And move within her skin.
I don't know how many there are,
But I the Gemini heart,
The social butterfly,
Adaptable to any group or situation,
Did not see the difference.
I just thought,
"I'm glad to have someone as diverse as me."
Today, whatever of her that was left, unchecked,
Ruminating in my mind about who or what she was,
Sat in front of my face in black and white,
In lines that she wrote...her most private thoughts.
By whomever SHE was at the time.
The demon of her that she left within me is gone,
And has returned to it's owner.
My answers came by reading not only her words,
But between those long sought after lines as well...
I'm tired, I'm numb, I'm in some shock...
I can't imagine her hell.
