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OTHER WOMEN... I think about all of my trials and tribulations…
All the traps I’ve fallen into…
Ones I’ve placed like obstacles in my path,
Others, I just never deemed dangerous enough to move.
I have prided myself on not being a bigot…
Yet three relationships have ended.
All have one commonality,
I did not see until now.
I was avoiding…
Thinking the failure lay
In the seems of their culture,
In the seems of their blackness,
BUT NOT in the seems of their character.
Yet, these women,
Like pages in the novel of my life.
Came to me.
In retort,
I could make a remark about
“Being played,”
But it’s always a
HE SAID—SHE SAID GAME.
No longer do I want to—
Think like a child,
React or behave like a child,
Live unruly or contemptuous like a child.
A child who engages in petty antics, petty tricks…
When it’s all in the past.
And serves no practical purpose.
Yet this next Page…
Is calculated…IT WILL HAVE TO BE.
However, in this year…
There will be a death and rebirth…
Of myself, and the emergence of her.
Obscure
Unknown
Tenuous
MOVING FORWARD:
Exciting,
Fearful,
Anxious.
In the last decade of my life,
While in the midst of relationships,
I have held at bay,
All my instant curt remarks,
Lashes that come out of anger, hurt, and sadness.
There had to be a way, to stay in control of my wild emotions.
To lesson the damage of hurtful words to a loved one.
To speak only the truth and not double standards.
To reveal my feelings at the cost of no one.
This year…
Will be a year of firsts.
To take time and look at this beautiful person,
A child of God,
Transform from caterpillar into a butterfly.
Each day, a refreshing freedom.
And in this transformation,
Will this induction of ease,
Dissolve my angst over past issues.
I have claimed to be—
A steward of good lover-ship…
To see between the lines of Love.
Enjoying the enlightenment that comes in:
The Freedom of being,
The Spirituality of the soul,
The Art of Care,
Before the bliss of sex happens,
Or, rather, in spite of it.
I want to suck out a person,
Like marrow from a bone,
To glean and cherish the fruits of God’s unique creation.
Then, take time to be in “Awe” of it.
In her, there will be the
FACING
Of larger ghosts,
Of bigger demons.
As I quest to overthrow the confines of my mind,
As I topple arduous labels--
That no one can use with any denotation of quality anyway.
As I expand my thinking, “outside the box”.
As I conquer the meaning, in “flesh”.
As I explore to vanquish the damage of past relationships.
Can we find serenity and tranquility—
Long enough for me to lower my guard?
To open up my own femininity?
To see her as she sees herself,
And not succumb to the vision of my demons.
Is their room in her heart…
To take me, not as she sees me…
But as I see me.
Can she teach me about
A femininity I lost long ago…buried, purposely.
Will I find peace within myself,
As I witness the metamorphosis?
If home is where the heart is,
Where does the heart go…
When the soul looks like the wrong house?
Could my heart eventually be her home?
Trying to phantom these things…
FEELS FUTILE.
Like trying to lay down track
FASTER,
Than the oncoming train.
It will OBVIOUSLY take more than a year.
However…
We can never leave ourselves in
COMPLACENCY…
Killing ourselves by NOT taking
Our charges justly.
Becoming apathetic to our own…
Goals,
Values,
Morals,
& Dreams,
For the sake of the other’s happiness.
Yet we must treat each other with dignity and respect.
I pray we honor each other,
In friendship.
And love each other,
In virtue.
It is my one wish, Page,
That you will not be one leaf,
In a chapter in the novel of my life.
But the possibility of friendship
Leading down a road
Where there are…
No fairytales,
No silver linings,
No false pretenses,
No lies,
No demons,
No more pages…
For both of us.
