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THEY ARE JUST AWAY
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FAMILY MEMORIES & MEMORIALS I am stuck motionless, captive in my own angst…
Because of your abrading lies and deception…
That this unfortunately fuels my hate, anger and rage.
Yet, I am left with nothing…
And this is the RUB, the POINT, the TRUTH…
In ALL it’s duality.
I grieve over “NOTHING”.
My child would be 4 to six months old…
BY NOW…
As I have not had children before…
I didn’t know….
What 4 months looked like,
What 6 or 8 or 10 months LOOKED LIKE…
NOT UNTIL I SAW...HER.
THAT DAY IN THE LAB AT THE CLINIC…
A STRANGER...HOLDING MY BABY.
BORN THE DAY YOU SAID...
OURS DIED.
Her creamy mocha skin,
Eyes that twinkled like blue-green stars,
Dimples in her smile…
And cute ribbons in her thick locks of black hair…
SHE SMILED AT ME…
And I wanted to cry.
Somewhere, somehow, at some level…
I still have her…
Even though:
I never got to hold her…
Could not see her the day she
Went to heaven.
Could not take her home to the crib I bought.
BECAUSE YOU TOOK HER AWAY.
You said you were pregnant…
AND YOU LIED!
I believed you...
During those nine months...
When I would take an ink marker,
And draw our child’s face on your tummy.
YOU STILL DIDN’T BOTHER TO TELL ME…
IT DIDN’T DON ON YOU THE CREULTY YOU WERE INFLICTING…
THAT OUR CHILD DIDN’T EXIST!
I am angry...over “nothing”.
I hate you...over “nothing”.
I am lost....with “nothing”.
I am grieving…
A ghost,
An apparition,
Your ideation…
That came from your DELUSIONAL mind!
How outrageously cruel of you…
Yet all I can do is cry…
THIS
IS
YOUR
SICKNESS.
What is worse?
You don’t even see it!
You don’t even know you are a victim—
And I’m left a victim, because somewhere, somehow, you haven’t taken responsibility for it!
Someone had to know...your sister...your mother?
Yet they allowed you to ruin everyone’s life,
Because they ignored your problem!
The only way I survive…
The woman I fell in love with...
The YOU I thought I married...died.
And I’ve asked God to keep that loving woman...
The one dissected out of your
Delusions...
Your heinous sickness...
Your messed up cruelty...
GOD will keep her safe…in HEAVEN.
WAITING FOR ME.
MY WIFE and you,
May share the same face,
But the similarities stop there!
She was loving, loyal, doting, devoted, compassionate,
honest, believable, down-to-earth,
Genuine, the true article, the real McCoy,
understanding, hopeful, virtuous, a
TRUE CHRISTIAN…a “real” believer, creative, full of
honor and grace…who has dignity and plays fair.
SHE HAS MY RESPECT!!!
I trust her with “our” child...
Isabella Faith Yarnell
And I’ve asked God to keep my
Baby Faith…
Suspended in time and space...
So I can be with her--
To raise her when I get to Heaven.
So I can hold her...
Feel her hand grip around my finger...
Watch this wonderful life suckle at my wife’s breast...
As I hold MY WIFE close,
Letting her head rest on my shoulder…
Allowing her to sleep her weariness away.
And I will go to my brothers
Engineering firm…
And be the architect who earns for MY FAMILY.
Who places my wife and daughter’s picture…
ON MY DESK!!!
Where photos constantly zoom through the net…
And Appear on my computer screen.
Thanks to the web cam we bought just so I could see-
FAITH TAKE HER FIRST STEPS.
I will see her…
On her first trike…
That has white and pink tassles,
Flying in the wind from the handle bars.
I will take her to carnival’s
For pony rides.
I will bake all her birthday cakes.
I will buy her ballet shoes and lessons...
And listen without grumbling...
Over the screech of her violin or cello.
I will kiss every bruised knee
And be there for her when doctors take her tonsils out.
And MY FAMILY...
Will have picnics at the beach…
WITH FOUR SETS OF FOOTPRINTS.
The only way I can forgive you...
Is to know God will make this real...
When I reach Heaven’s gates...
And that you can not take this...
AWAY!
