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I feel dumb,

I feel weak,

Yet I know with what I have done,

It should make me feel strong....



Because I valued myself.



I let go,

I stopped trying to fill up that hole,

I stopped manipulating--I didn't even see it.



I feel untethered,

    Adrift,

    Alone.



What I shoulda, coulda, woulda,

Makes no difference now.



I have let go.



Never have I let go of something I wanted so intensely.

Never have I let go of a process that has always felt like air.

Never have I been so blind to my ongoings...

Never have I felt the pain of my own intentional undoing.



I wanted to prove something to you,

But you never wanted proof.

I wanted to love you like no other,

But you never needed my love.

I wanted to take you and fill more of my own needs,

And see now that I never concerned myself as much with yours.



For this, I feel shame.

For this, I am not proud.

For this, I must say I am sorry.

You are not a toy.



I am so crushed inside,

I want to send you away,

To never to talk to you again.



I loved you enough to let you go,

And I am not sure if you will return.

And the waiting is almost more than I can handle.

The pain would be less,

To just shut down,

To call an end to this.



Have I learned anything?

Too much that I don't want to even consider.

So much that I feel so weak,

I do not want to even be seen.



I feel like I have taken the one thing I do well,

And smashed it up like a mirror into a thousand shards.

Yet, I will never tell you how I feel.



I feel shame already,

I do not want to feel ashamed,

A much deeper toxic evil.

I don't want to drown in the negativity.



I let you go,

I took a step forward,

At my own expense,

Feeling more vulnerable than anything I've ever shared.

The ball is not just in your court,

You can walk away,

With nothing more to say to me ever.



And I'll be left here,

Knowing I did the right thing,

But feel like I gave someone else the right

To abandon my heart.



I wonder now,

If there is anything I can hold onto...

God is omnipotent,

God is love,

God is many things.

But He isn't holding me now

Not in any physical sense,

Not like the way you used to,

And sometimes, all it took, was your voice...

That stupid answering machine.



Even though it's better to hurt now,

Than to feel the end later,

My pain now, doesn't feel any less.