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I.  



You’ve still got me spinning…

The more I know,

The more I hate:

    How I’ve handled my emotions,

    All my raw feelings,

    And I especially hate the FEAR, of not knowing what

    Will crop up in the bend.



How at one moment, I have…



MY CLOSURE  & RESOLUTION…



Then just when I’ve let go:

Of the back-biting,

Of the pointing fingers…



When at one moment…

I’ve dealt with the

    DILUSIONS....

    DECIPHERED THE FACTS FROM FICTION...



Then on the other hand,

    People couldn't tell me....





"Congratulations on your engagement..."





Because they chatted with you on "Yahoo personals",

And we all know what a flirt you can be.

That you engaged in this site,

During our ENTIRE relationship...



I'll just say that I know you've "made the rounds",

   And leave it at that.

You may have not actually "CHEATED" in the sack...

You may not have even had cyber sex...

But this too, doesn't matter...

What I am finding out here is...

The only one who thought we were married...



WAS ME!









II.



When I asked of your sexual partners...

You feigned...



"I've been with 51 men before I found you,

     THE RIGHT WOMAN."



I remember,

The poem you wrote...



"MY FIRST ORGASM..."



You DEDICATED it to me.



The only truth I know is that you do write your feelings,

By taking pen in hand.

I truely believe this part of you IS real...



But because of you, and those women I have had in MY past...



I WONDER



Is this why,

At the end of our relationship...



The danger of exposing your vulnerability,

Over this very fact,

Made you angry,

Incited you to remove it...to extract.

Taking vengence upon me,

With your cruel words of anger..

You exacted...

Because you couldn't handle the...

Core belief---that you shared this gift with me.



Is this why you tried to demolish me?

To try and manipulate me, and try to make me feel like...





Trash...





That I, this simple woman,

Who gave you aid and comfort,

That, somehow, you knew you'd never find..



The healing love I pampered you with...again.



And rather than let me have that one last good memory...

You tried to steal it back.



"YOU HAVE HURT ME SO MUCH,

I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO TRUST ANOTHER WOMAN AGAIN!"



Funny isn't it?

You'll never get rid of me...

Not even in the back of your head.



Every time you orgasm,

I'll be there..

And you will remember...your first time.

And how I showed you that love-making,

Was the best kind of soothing for the broken soul,

And replenishment of one's spirit.







III.



I listened to you...

And I doubted myself...

With all your vehement words,

I saw the terse rage on your face...and was afraid.

I felt that one last cold hug...



Yet you couldn't tell me good-bye,



BEFORE,



You decided that for one last time we'd FUCK.



And the next moment,

You were screaming...



"I am leaving, and YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!"



"I will NEVER..."

It seemed all your phrases would start....









Then I met this,

    FUNNY,

    GENEROUS,

    LIGHT HEARTED...gal.



Where even in my heart,

Because of your "Controversial Lifestyle":

To meet another woman who says she's "Bi"...

(And she said it right!)

Echoed thunderous waves in canyon walls...

"RUN DON'T WALK!"



However, we both looked at eachother...

    PETRIFIED...

It would be so easy, like it was with you...

To take her pain, and my pain,

Twist it into a sick foundation for a relationship,

And run with it,

Down a long winding road,

Resembling a noose,

That ultimately hangs us both in the end.



YET...

EVEN KNOWING THIS...

I HAD TO KNOW...



WAS I REALLY YOUR BEST LOVER?



The rest of the accusations I could handle...



HOWEVER...

Deep in my heart,

Deep in my soul,

That this you told me...was it an act?

But emotions were fresh...UNPRACTICED...



Finally, I could take time here,

To trust my own gut instincts,

That beacuse of me:



Your sexual epiphany came and came and came...





My lady finger...

So gently I took her,

So slow and tender...I allowed her the moment..

To be present,

To find out just how my love...

NURTURED & HEALED.



I made "OUR SPACE", comfortable...

As my mouth devoured...

I let her explore this virgin territory.



Yet, she never touched me.

It was enough to just let it sink in,

For her just to feel my caress,

For me...That she wanted to "BE" with me,



A WOMAN.



And her curiousity,

Was just that.

I reveled in her moment...

As she took in the excitement of the new...



And after all was said and done...

On that long walk home...



She knew how raw I felt,

How the relationship with you took it's toll,

On me as a person that you lacked to respect...

On me as a lover that you lacked patience with...

On me as a wife that you never intended to commit to...



"Listen..."  I shrugged.

"I have to know..."  

Tears had welled up in my eyes,

That I didn't want her to see.

"How was I?"



She giggled with glee...

Filling me with angst over possible reprisal.



"You said you would rock my world?

I had no idea!

I have never had it like that!

Not from my ex-husband that I've been with for years.

Or from anyone else, since I was 17.



It was better than all my expectations...

Bigger than some of my dreams...



Don't under-estimate yourself!

'Girl, you've got skillz in pussy control'."



We laughed at the refrence of the song,

But for the first time since you left,

I felt I could go on...



KNOWING:

I'm the writer,

Springing insights from my internal flame.

Revealing to me...



HOW I LOVE



I see the human body...

As a canvass...and it's partner,

The oil of my mouth.





KNOWING:



I'm the lover,

Dedicated and Doting...



The genteel appeal about me..

Is my giving respect,

Of my transcending the act

To it's true spiritual plane...





KNOWING:



Why there are "those looks" on womens faces...

When they smile and say...



"You are so remarkable...

When you get inside your bedroom,

You show me your heart from the inside...

That it is so overwhelming,

To be loved and caressed...

Makes me go blank on your name..."



"That's okay,

Because, I can tell you,

Over and Over,

And over and over again...



I AM LOVE."









This is dedicated to you, Shannon, my "little lady finger",

who has taught me...I never lost the "lil'Romeo", inside.

And who reinforced the fact I'll never be forgotten, not by any ex-lover, IT, or future femme fatale, or butch who hold's me in their arms.  Thank-you for reassuring me that if anyone says, "They can forget my gift."  They are a blow hard, or someone who revels in their own misery and pain.