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THE ADMITTANCE OF LOST HOPE
I looked at my spouse and stated. ‘You’re right.
I am depressed and irritable right now, but I’ll be fine.
Me, fine… having hope pulled out from under me.
The words being told I’ll never be normal again.
Being brilliant, highly intelligent yet fragile to this.
New School this fall, studies I’ve wanted just out of reach.
The realization of having to tell my old boss I must turn down my acceptance to this prestigious school I’ve wanted to go to since 2001. One my father wanted me to go to.
Yet life gets deeper and deeper.
I hold it all in, in this silent lucidity.
This lunacy that is now my life.
Going from no meds to meds to lots of meds.
No horizon, hope destroyed.
No reason to go on living, conforming.
Spiraling down to the last rung on the staircase,
Just not having enough jootsva to jump off.
All at once, in a day.
She says concern. She says hospitalization.
She says.” Honey, I’ll pack your bags fro you.”
Knowing she’ll let everyone know I’ve crossed the line.
My personal line where I’m no longer in control.
Like a comet hurling through the atmosphere with nothing to stop it at all.
Love. Love for my family, my spouse, our child/children, but future looking unavailable
Like my life. Something that was once so full of promise, now barely lingers in the darkness.
