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Every second of waiting

washes me in cold terror.

You could reject me at any moment.

For no reason.

Without warning.

Doubts spew from my molten core

and color every surface a washed-out hue.

Even in the best possible outcome,

one of us will be left mourning a shattered life.

Tears mix with flower petals and grave dirt.  

Intensely horrifying vulnerability

dredges up ancient and damning insecurity.

Barely visible scars weave through my being.

Nobody has ever treated me this well...

and stayed.  

My trademark panic is always

hidden behind a breezy smile.

The fear itself is a monster of its own,

a self-fulfilling prophecy,

a darkly projecting mirror of your own shadows.

I hope you never see it,

But if you do, don't worry,

it has nothing to do with you.

I feel this every time.  

I hate to fall in love.

Today I sing a new mantra just for you.

I sing it because it brings me peace

and lets me curl up into you. 

It wraps me in its word cocoon

and brings me hot cocoa.

It goes like this:

I already know this will hurt.

I'm doing it anyway.