Held by a grip unable to be reckoned with,
surrendered to the silence found in darkness,
accepting of the hopelessness that seems to win
when despair approaches, reminding me of my sin~
~the endlessness of nights filled
with regret's bitter aftertaste,
the hollowness of victories unknown echoing on
hinder me from entering into sleep's sweet & gentle bliss
of resting in the battle already won~
~& in the dawn's approach, exhaustion takes it's toll,
dreams can't invade the weariness I bear,
until the Lord who knows no bounds whispers gently within,
& let's me know that even in insomnia, He's there~
~He tells me of the ways of love I have not seen,
He opens my eyes to mysteries, in dreams,
He offers hope to the despair that never quite leaves,
reaching out to exchange His peace for fear~
~& I am torn, the guilt & regret, long-time companions
who, each time they leave, leave shadows in their wake,
& He extends His mercy through the condemnation,
offering, lovingly, so gently, my heavy burdens to take~
~So many times, my prayers seem to have broken through,
then the night comes, our daughter sleeps, & I
am torn apart, by her heart's longing for a father,
in my attempt to numb out further, eventually, I cry,
& as the tears escape their hiding place within,
& as the words I never dare say out loud
slip out in the gentle silence of the Lord's presence,
a little more pain is lost,
a few more droplets of peace are found,
& why He has allowed me to travel this valley
so long a time without the mountain peaks
I may never understand from this side of Heaven,
but when I read His Word, still, His truth speaks,
& one by one, the lies are exposed for what they are,
& day by day, deliverance approaches,
& I am undone in the presence of the things
that threaten still sometimes to swallow me,
as darkness encroaches~
~& you are still a lost & hidden mystery,
part of us forever, yet ripped out of our lives
by lies that should've been exposed
& yet never were between us,
as He reveals the truth to me
alone with her, our daughter...
*~*~*~*~*
~By Anastazia Rowe~
June, 2003.