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Random words of self realization: Finding my inner peace and motivation. 
Living with an ex and being civil after watching that person move on has been one of the more challenging things life has dealt me. Being so close to the past and not really falling into temptation or getting caught on memories yet see that person every single day finding it within yourself to not have anything bad to say. Its been a giant learning experience. At first I was a mental wreck. Blaming myself for everything I could possibly find and really not understanding the circumstances on the outside perspective. I looked at other peoples decisions as a reflection of myself and questioned the reality if I was worthy of love or relationships. I guess I learned more by being in the midst of a complicated situation and then having to live with the aftermath of a relationship has gave me a lot of mental strength. I tried running from the whole entire thing. I did a lot of self destructive decisions to try and do so. Yet every time I was where I started and it all comes down to the fact I was really just trying to run from myself witch in the end is completely impossible. I realized the only way to manage the unmanageable was to manage myself. I've grown up with a really unstable life. bouncing back and fourth and I would flee every chance I could get from everything. Switch schools. Run from bad decisions. I wasn't the brightest kid. I had to learn to pick up after myself and take it upon myself to rid myself of negative emotions and find a way to reach long term happiness without needing drugs or impulse buying to escape reality. Hell is in the mind. So is heaven. Its all one thing. Heaven is love. Hell is the same thing. I believe I have gotten a lot closer to myself I found a way to tap into my pool of energy and its harder for emotions to take over my thinking. Ive always been prescribed anti depressants. Mood stabilizers and a.d.d. meds. and sleeping meds. I was taking 4 pills everyday for 8 years straight. I found it within myself to rid myself of all my medication and find much more stability in my emotions. I went through a stage of self medicating and just taking whatever because it felt natural to be influenced by something rather then be trapped in sobriety ever since I was 13 years old. Life is never easy. Its riddled with pain, confusion and tragedy. Yet if you remove the fear, and regret it is a beautiful place, I never gave myself enough credit for the things I have been able to truck through. I have a lot of wisdom because I wasn't always wise. I have learned from life experiences. The worst question you can ask yourself is if you are deserving of love. I drove myself mad asking myself this question. We are all deserving of love. Love from yourself especially. Get connected with your soul. My life has been a journey. Some of the learning lessons have hit me hard and left many scars. But what I have conquered in the past has made me stronger today. I regret nothing for everything I learned will be applied to a situation that springs up tomorrow. I have no idea where I am going or what I am capable of. But I have seen what I can do. Its a lot of good. I have a few debts to pay off karma from the past. Negativity is just a burden and it weighs upon your soul. some of us get trapped their. Some of us make it out and some of us are still trapped there. Say nice things to yourself smile in the mirror. Get up and go take yourself out on a date for ice cream. The small things are what matter most. and if you start helping yourself and your soul. You will begin to see that you are making some type of progress. We get caught up on everything in this world. Like finances and not being in love. Feelings of being lost can take us all by surprise. I have lived through the storm and it does pass. Only if you allow it to. Sometimes we cling onto the winds around us because its all we know. I have seen darkness. first I was defeated by it. But by not allowing dread to enter my mind I have been able to feel a lot better and more clear headed. I hope this message can reach out and speak to at least one person who is struggling with demons by the name of lack of self worth, depression, no self esteem. I have lived it. sometimes our minds like to fight itself for lack of anything better to do. but if you sit and take a few minutes out of your day to meditate and visualize all the things in your mind and remove the clutter and words you no longer want their you can start living a better life. we are the keys to our own happiness. You cannot depend on something or someone else and many of us are codependent subconsciously. Take my words of motivation with a grain of salt. I am just acknowledging the fact I lived through something and conquered a few of my demons. I love myself. Your attitude will be what gets you places.