PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

It's funny how life plays out. Right when I think everything has made the most sense in my life I realize that I am more spun then I have ever been. When I let my guard down and get comfortable is when the chaos kicks in. Sometimes I wonder where things will go. If they will end. Or even truly begin. Everyone has battles. I defeated a few of my demons and lost a few wars with myself as well. I can never strive for perfection. We are all flawed people with many sour thoughts and internal struggles. I do my best to survive and to thrive. I am not one with many needs. I've seen some places and felt many things. I used to believe i was crazy. A manic without much focus. Everyone has good and bad days. Everyone goes through false love and being the victim to their own demise. I strive. I might not get far. But I am constantly working to try and make sense of my path in life and where I need to go and what I need to do. Sometimes its okay to relax. Many of us take on way to much to carry and get burnt out on our emotions. I can only truly speak for myself. But words have this magical power that makes people believe they are not alone when they can relate to another persons pain. I am not alone. Neither are you. Are dreams can really be the calamity in our everyday life. I used to believe because I couldn't reach what I truly wanted that I was a broken person. When reality of it all is we all have dreams that we try to chase. Some people get lucky. Some people work hard. Some people are born with a gift. Some people never find it. I have a descent arsenal of knowledge beneath my belt about life and getting through struggles. But I don't know the slightest thing about love and family. When I grew up in situations that I was forced to endure watching broken people try to mend pieces together that are not there. Causing trauma and disaster with there ideas in hopes things will work itself out. These situations really make me look deeply into myself and strive to somehow be different. Then when I grew up I realized the similarities I have in myself with my parents and find that I am fighting the same demons. Truth be spoken I am unsure what is harder to cope with, The fact my father has absolutely no desire to want to be in my life and know how I am doing and what I've learned along my road in life. Or the fact My step father who has been more of a parental figure I looked up to for 14 years deciding to take off and separate the family. Could it be possible I accidentally push people away? I guess I wish I could make it all work. I am reluctant to love, because I refuse to make the same mistakes my parents did. i don't want to be raised how I was. I am unsure what is right or wrong. So I just keep going without giving life much thought. staying together with the people that make it okay for me to feel and be comfortable with myself. Life can be devastating. Run you off course. Take away your home and leave you empty handed with an empty stomach. I wish I knew why some people are more accustomed to finding success and stability than others. Tho I cannot dwell on this thought for its poisonous. I used to pray many nights for stable living a house with a white picket fence and a standard lifestyle. I am finding that I am growing comfortable with my chaos. I embrace my feelings and emotions. Its okay to feel. I used to believe sadness was a plague and uncommon Just from observing I am realizing the world is filled with more sadness and delusions than it is filled with love and happiness. Sometimes I wish I could just go away for a while take a train to some distant place and begin with a fresh slate recreating myself in a new light. But maybe Its more honorable to face my struggles head on no matter how daunting they can be and do the best i can to manage the unmanageable. We all have those nights where its hard sleeping at night because tomorrow isn't promised. Is it better to live for a moment and build your life from the smallest of things to create a big picture or try to just slip into a picture that has already been made? I fall into art as an outlet to try and understand these questions without any answers. and answers with no questions. what would it take to find satisfaction in love and light. Knowing tomorrow will be alright? life is an illusion. I do what I can to survive, Thats better than my track record in the past. in at out therapy wards and rehabs. I used to think I was riddled with problems. But maybe i am just filled with answers to unsolved questions. I try to keep spinning so I can find a comfortable place to latch onto. and click into a lifestyle that makes more sense on an everyday scale. I am not perfect I am far from it. I made more mistakes than a lot of people. Genuine is all I try to keep myself at. To push is to pull. Everyone requires balance. Its not easy to constantly juggle many things while balancing on one foot. I am unsure the difference of love and lust. I learned to bury many emotions and think much less. Analyzing every thought can eat away your mind like a plague. I don't feel much pain anymore. i'M unsure if I just lost the ability to feel such sensations of heartache. Its like a numbness a very comfortable lack of sensory. A well effective defense mechanism. although my empathy still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I guess its guilt. Sometimes life is like taking straight shots you got to let the honesty burn. So you know what reality can feel like at times. I tried to crawl into my dreams and escape. Right now my reality is a prismatic duality. My dreams and life are on the same dimensional plane. Unsure if what I am coping with is things I was experiencing in my dreams or during the day. day dreaming and daymares reflect upon many walls playing like movies inside my mind. I am on a spiritual journey and soul search for things I never felt before. Hoping to find the one thing I love more than anything. To wish success upon your enemies leaves you with no enemies or fights. I try to be a literalphorical warrior of compassion trying to rally everyone around myself to fight for love with the idealism of peace. To find some type of sacred happiness. passiveness speaks louder than being active underneath the surface. I don't know what I want. I absolutely don't know what I want to do. But I keep walking and keep myself in my own rhythms so I don't fall off beat. Thats all the goals I can meet. everything else is a wish and a want. unnecessary thoughts. Life is a stage so if your going act. Act out the best possible role for yourself. My role is the road and the flow. Maybe one day everything will fall into place and I will wake up and to see sunlight reflecting in someone else's eyes as we lay comfortably in my own bed as the sounds of the world coming through a window reassure me its a good morning. And maybe then at that moment Ill realize I have made it home. I just keep pressing on.