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Proclomations
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The Influence All these thoughts condescending.
Better count my blessings.
with this world that were living in
Nothing is sacred everything can disapear before your eyes.
Its why I cant sleep. I keep my eyes pealed.
What I have now can just vanish.
My blood is already tarnished.
Stuck living in my head.
fighting all these self created demons that live underneath my bed.
Why did I introduce you to these drugs.
seduce you into you beliving I found love.
Papers on tongue pills to revoke emotion.
no way to love someone.
alone staring at a mirror
dosing until comatose.
Trying to erase myself.
I was there atlast in the depths of my past,
Doctors perscribing diagnosing.
Bags under my eyes. sleep deprived.
medical bills that left me high and dry.
found indearmeant in the fear that was never recognized.
until the day I seen my fathers eyes.
desenseitzed by the numb enterpirce of a kid zoinked on narcotics
removing personality. it was a goal. I saught out restituion.
Its an illusion to think anyone has full control over any solution.
My product has been diluted. spirlaed into something less distinct.
deformed into a finalized jaded rareform.
Stuck in my head. Left with no words said.
zombified. My past stays classified.
I found sanctuary in my pride.
pain resides in these eyes I hide.
speak less of the places I once recided.
My pillars of filth subsided into feelings partial and divided.
I just want to fly away and pull myself from these chains today.
I cant wrap my head over the fact I'm alive.
But staying in these sewers of entrapmeant somone else created.
in fear it will collapse into another relapse after seeing lives detatched.
all this hard work I never have anything to show for the stress.
becuase I blow it all in a way to regress. and remember I'm alive.
depending on the dose. medicane or poison.
Everything is a little bit of both.
short term enjoymeant. leaves long term effects.
everything comes back. Its all starting to take effect.
No place to hide. watching all these dreams de.
it flashes like motion pictures. Traumatic strenious tedious mess.
building idols of sand to pray for rain.
Picking up where the world left off.
stuck on the bottom. with dreams to capitalize my freedom.
passed out with my shoes on in my trashed and thrashed trailer of a home.
in hopes that someone will pick me up and make it through the storm.
medicated. smoking sour keeps me sedated.
and sane through everyone elses pain.
that leaves my eyes dilated.
happy belated.
no reason in for celibration
when you and yourself are the only ones drinking.
to drown these thoughts.
finding direction in these unplotted decisions.
Nothing is predictable its like a self proclaimed deep incision.
severing my arteries leaving me to bleed out onto my bath room floor.
woth so much more. my feet are sore. I am giving up.
Ive drank to much to give a fuck about progress and life and love.
so trust that i will collapse to dust.
Never felt love only chase lust.
Caoughing out shards of rust from these tar filled lungs.
keep me breathing and closing in on what I wish to be.
everything is really foggy. There is no future to see.
running into walls like a blind lab rat.
unable to digest these words written on the walls.
That are telling me to Get out.
and sever it all.
make a name for yourself.
before you never recover from this fall.
Keep moving. no place to call home.
a life on the move. waking in hospital beds.
I relive getting my stomache pumped every night.
the lack of life on my face is still afright.
I relive it as if it was still in flight.
no escape. sme shit i self created.
becuase I tried to find love for a few nights.
It took my prde. left me stripeed of all the gears that drove me to work.
I was xanium a malicious way of destroying everything you loved inside.
burned away feelings. Dead inside. I rarly care or check to see if I reside.
i am not the same person that I was once was before I got my first buzz.
It told me everything was going to be all right.
when your stuck and glued to your floor.
not knowing how much more is in you to get up and fight.
No family to call you are alone with you in your head and mind.
only you to calm your insides. but your your enemy.
so everything is out of align. you fight yourself. and refuse help.
becuase these silent screams inside eat away your conscious and poison everything you confide.
you hde in dreams and wishes that are so far from achieveing
so you can escape tot hem everynight.
8 differant medications. monitored and psycoevaluations. day in day out for as long as weather can be warm.
a summer stuck in my head. praying for a break in the storm.
rehabilitation only showed me ways to forget and be more absent from everything that is considered norm.
I found myself into everything because I wanted to drown in the codeine and suboxin.
leaving me with little oxegyn to breathe and direct towards scenerios that requried emotion.
powerless over my selfishness. Its a trap when you are all alone.
keep it all on the inside until you erupt into a thristy fiend for thrills and piils
that animal insticts are what redifine your stride. no hope inside.
Ive been there searching for a place to hide. from all the evaluations and analyzations.
I did of my own life on my own time. I judge myself into believing that I have what it takes to survive.
it works but these memories burned themselves in my subconscious.
where everyday behind these eyes scary movies play. and I was stuck with open eyes.
that get mezmerized by all the shadows and figures.
That trigure insticts. and habbits.
still stuck in a place I deem tragic.
escaping seems impossible.
with a mindset of an addict.
all the revalations and varitions of differant versions of myself.
I am a collage of shattered pieces of everyne else.
