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beneath love's ashes

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Hyacinth garden

 

I seemed to have vanished
like the trace of a moonbeam

lost in a cloud

my hearts waning mystery

such a long surreptitious search
it is the red thread of lost time never returning

 

 

waiting on the outside looking inside
the hands of the clock
ridicule me as the midnight hour strikes
struggling against
the restraints
it is more like perpetual yearning

 

bound to the memory of your touch
my defenses are useless
your name a plea from my tongue
as everything comes to the edge of impossibility
pinned beneath love's ashes
and nothing will reignite the burning

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

revisited, edited and  revised at the urging of my considerate commentator’s AquarianMale, Kubolchi and SSmoothie

thank you all for your thoughtful understanding of the creative flow, I hope you consider the updated version a show of respect on my part for your open minded critiques.

Peace

Dylan

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last updated 10 April 2013 - 5:12pm
©9 April 2013 - 6:00pm — 9inety
12 April 2013 - 1:24am — AquarianMale
AquarianMale's picture

Dylan, this is a far more

Dylan, this is a far more exhilarating poem. Although the first was worthy, the small, lenient tweaking make the revision spectacular. These lines actually astound me; making my mind gently stroll through its own contemplations and bliss:

 

like the trace of a moonbeam

lost in a cloud…

it is the red thread of lost time never returning…

 

it is more like perpetual yearning…

 

bound to the memory of your touch

 

my defenses are useless

 

your name a plea from my tongue

 

as everything comes to the edge of impossibility. 

 

 

10 April 2013 - 2:40pm — kubolchi
kubolchi's picture

Love the Poem Dylan very good

Love the Poem Dylan very good and very good description of how love can be. 

10 April 2013 - 12:21am — AquarianMale
AquarianMale's picture

  This is a well written

 

This is a well written poem. I liked the thought mosaic, and I also enjoyed reading it. My only objection would be to “… a ghost in a wishing well.” I think you are - a far too advanced writer to be using such trite of banal imagery.  

 

9 April 2013 - 9:54pm — SSmoothie
SSmoothie's picture

WowWow I really love the last

WowWow I really love the last 2 stanzas I feel they could stand together as the poem,  the first stanza loses a little direction  for me. it seems almost a different poem where as the last two sit in complete harmony together very rich and exactly enough. Just my opioion of course take what you like, ignore what you don't ;) outstanding Verses.  Hugss 

Don't let any one shake your dream stars from your eyes, lest your soul Come away with them! -SS    

"Well, it's love, but not as we know it."

12 April 2013 - 3:12am — allets
allets's picture

Nice Revisioning

The last verse rocks! - Crews