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You know... I always wondered why I still cry for you... it's just that.. I never really mourned.. never really prayed.. never really noticed what was "really" happening.. and it's killing me inside now.. You're a hole in the ground now.. it's hard to even read these words.. Sometimes my heart violently trembles.. Not even a best friend would calm it.. I would hurt myself back then.. pain doesn't cure what the heart has lost.. I'm wondering what I'm becoming.. that it's not what you're expecting.. and you're having it all now without us... in this empire we are drowning.. this empire of rotten shit.. Sometimes I'm home and listen for the door.. the day you would come back.. I remember the first morning, when I first woke up... how much I wished it wouldn't be true.. You're the spear on my side.. it never really goes away.. beneath my scar still lies the wound... that no one can aid.. Sometimes friends see my eyes.. and can't understand this pain.. and I forever feel so alone.. I write letters at home or wherever, poems on here, post-its at my job.. to see if you can still hear me.. I wondered about "long ago" how it wasn't too long.. How my heart hurts.. it just won't fucking go away.. No matter what drug was offered, it could never bring that old familiar memory back.. When no one's around.. I mourn what I couldn't.. I plead with my heart sometimes to seek arms that will hug.. I tremble and that thought goes away.. Wishing a kiss, a heart, a memory could take this away.. it didn't.. when other people cry.. I cry with them.. I'm ashamed how much I'm crying.. I feel foolish for not being able to say goodbye the right way.. if there ever was a right way.. I had no opportunity..

long ago...