The Orgy of Uptight Literary Critics

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Joined: 2011/02/08

The Orgy of Pigs & Donkeys & Elephants in Uncle Sam's Whorehouse

Part 10 of a musical by Wolf Larsen


And then some asshole dressed up as a nerd comes out and speaks-sings: "Hello! I'm a literary asshole! There's simply too much sex & fried chicken in contemporary literature! While I'm against censorship, I think we should ban everything I don't like! Does that make sense? Does thousands of Salvador Dali clones crawling up my leg and into the hole in my penis and up into my testicles and brains make any sense?!"


Everybody on stage sings out: "It most certainly does! There's millions of Salvador Dali clones crawling up all the legs of the audience members right now, can't you see them everybody?! We can! It all makes sense! Like the giant arsenal of nuclear weapons still at the ready to blow us all up! It all makes as much sense as pulling your head out of your ass and bouncing your head across the huge basketball court on the moon!"


And then everybody leaves the stage except for the asshole dressed up as a nerd, who walks over to the writer and begins singing to him.


The literary asshole sings: "Writers today should be sacrificing their lives in suicidal rituals to the great literary figures of the past! To honor the literary greats of the past we should throw our own blood and the blood of our dogs & cats upon the walls of the temples of Shakes-a-Pear-of-Asses & Milton & Yeast Infection! Why write exciting innovative literature when we can die of boredom reading the canon instead! I love boredom, don't you? These new innovative writers should be fed anti-terrorist propaganda from the Psychotic State Department until they confess all their sins to the Spanish Inquisition! Let's blast all new exciting innovative literature into pieces with the cannon!"


Sound: BOOM goes the cannon!


The writer sings back: "But reading Shakes-a-Pear-of-Asses and Yeast Infection is an act of defecation! They're the most overrated baboons ever to write diarrhea on the page!"


The literary asshole sings: "That's sacrilegious! Shakes-a-Pear-of-Asses is one of the gods! Elizabethan English helps the bowel movements flow! And Yeast Infection turns words into thousands of cubicles of sterile white walls –"


The writer gets up and starts walking away from the literary asshole, but the literary asshole chases after him as the literary asshole continues singing: "Writing should be like a graceful afternoon of tea with proper old ladies! Writing should be the softest sweetest toilet paper upon our gentle derrières!"


The writer sings back: "I like to fuck words! I like the English language to bend over before me and I like fucking the English language up the ass! I'm sick and tired of all these baboons defecating airport novel plots all over the page!"


The literary asshole sings as he chases the writer off the stage: "You want literature to be as crude as the savage cannibalistic world outside our windows! You want to put the animal in literature!"


The writer screams back: "WE ARE ANIMALS!"

The literary asshole screams dramatically: "And what about the kids being exposed to all this sex and profanity and fried chicken in literature?"


The writer screams/sings back: "How the fuck you think the kids got here in the first place? You ever been on a bus when a bunch of those so-called innocent teenagers get on board? Practically all they ever talk about is sex sex sex!!"


"Sex! Sex! Sex!" blurts out the saxophone.


Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen