Home › Forums › Open for Various Styles › Espresso House Critiques

Of The Fallen Spirit

1 reply [Last post]
24 January 2011 - 5:48pm
Go-a-Green-a
Go-a-Green-a's picture
Offline
Joined: 2010/12/08

Lying,
-Concrete grass-

Dying,
-Fatal slash-

Crying
-Of what you stash-

Alone again.
Fought the war.
Right here again.
Life so poor.

A pool of blood.
Bring in the flood.
Laugh at me
-one more time-
Go, just take it!
-My last dime-

Howling!
-Such an unseen vision-
The sun has risen,
brand new day.

You bite
                                         -I sigh-
You fight
                                         -I cry-
This ain't no dream
                                         -I'm gonna scream-

One more person from this world.
Mind so twisted, body curled.

The knife
                                         -The life-
The dead
                                         -The dread-

Thoughts unspoken,
left unsaid.
Hurry now,
it's turning red.

A body broken
-mine, perhaps-
A bell is tollin'
-Drop down, collapse-

Stop!
-STOP!-
No more to take!
Tell me,
when will I awake?

Blood!
                                      -Of dripping stems-
Flood!
                                      -Of life's stitched hems-

-Dancing
                                      -Dying
-Laughing
                                      -Crying
-Dreaming
                                      -Screaming
-Beating
                                       -Fleeting
-Crawling

                   ....Falling-

And to the abyss below.

Top
  • Login to post comments
  • 266 reads
17 April 2011 - 12:26am
#1
coffeewithleona...
coffeewithleonardcohen's picture
Offline
Joined: 2011/01/08
Hello again, I liked this one

Hello again,
I liked this one as well.
I am torn about your rhyme scheme. I like some of the elaborate playing you do with it (knife/life/dead/dread) but when you're not going all out, it sounds a bit trite. I think that's because you're only doing monosyllabic rhyming. You can -hope for inspiration -"cheat" and use a rhyming dictionary -use different techniques, like rhyming, alliteration, and assonance interchangeably, making it a bit easier, or -can the rhymes and only use them when they come naturally. I don't really have a good rhyming technique, so I can't tell you what to do or how to do it right.

My absolute FAVORITE part of this poem is:
Blood!
-Of dripping stems-
Flood!
-Of life's stitched hems-

The reason I like it is because it's surprising imagery, the stuff you have to mull over. If all I read was that, I wouldn't have the backstory on why your character was lying there on the ground bleeding, but so what? I would know all about life's stitched hems and blood's dripping stems and THAT is what I read a poem for. Not because I need more blood and guts!

n/a
Top