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Surreality

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8 January 2011 - 1:05am
Go-a-Green-a
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The sunset's blood spills yellow and orange,
The fern's new life within the sporange,
I tread the Earth's path so sweet,
the flowers crumple 'neath my feet.

The sky, it glows a bright new silver,
The ewe shall feed her newborn chilver.
Dance around the light of stars,
Paint the planet known as Mars.

And soon shall strike the inspiration,
entwined so soft with desperation.
The moon, it shines so florescent,
The glowworms shimmer, incandescent.

Watch the sky, it soon will fall,
The gentile mist absorbs it all.
The blood of demons spills and splashes,
marking you with quick, red lashes.

Piece by piece we'll watch the dreams,
It's just not always what it seems.
The feathers drifting, falling down,
Fill the streets, the vacant town.

A misty haze shall fill the skies,
Watch the fallen disk arise,
lined with silver and plated gold,
it brings the new and keeps the old.

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17 April 2011 - 3:34am
#1
coffeewithleona...
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Joined: 2011/01/08
This might be my favorite of

This might be my favorite of yours I've read so far.
Likes: surprising rhymes, intriguing overall mood (beautiful nature scene plus unidentified ominous threat)
Dislikes: While I get "sunset's blood" and I think it adds to the aforementioned mood, it sounds too much like something I've heard before. Can you compare the sunset to, uh, something else scary?

So, wrong or right, what I think this poem is about is somebody who can always find the cloud in the silver lining. Maybe it's all in the speaker's head or maybe he really does know that something bad is going to happen, but you know that it wouldn't matter if he were in a field of flowers next to the old folks' home or on a beach in a resort hotel in Honolulu, he'd still feel the dark clouds looming.
On first reading, I thought your last few lines were anticlimactic for that reason. On second reading, I changed my mind- reading it and thinking about what I said above, your description of the moon sounds pretty scary. So I'm not sure if I should suggest that you keep it the way it is, or swap the last 2 stanzas (the 2nd to last being more overtly creepy), or to make the moon scarier, or make the whole poem subtler (so the reader really thinks he's reading a poem about how nice nature scenes are at first and is just left wondering why he feels this dark cloud) or what. You have so many options! I would love to see you play with them and try it out a few different ways. Please post if you do!

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