*1
George Carlin said that if Jesus had come in the 50's, people would wear miniature electric chairs around their necks
*2
The justices say they want justice for all. But they really want 'justice for just us'.
*3
The moon is not full 1 day a year, but every day.. Earthlings can't see her wholeness.
*4
She said she had an hourglass figure. It was more like a whole month.
*5
The way utilities mutilate trees...is like cutting the head, an arm and a leg off of a human being.
*6
I told the Amish horses that no matter how much manure they dropped on the asphalt they wouldn't fertilize it.
*7
I rode a horse as a kid. He went where he wanted to. Others aid "Kick him, Kick him!" "No", I said, "he's bigger than me".
*8
Hanging out in the train yards one could always tell the experienced brakemen. They were the ones missing 1 or more fingers.
*9
When our father came home from a long day of work, we were his tv remote controls, popping up when he wanted a channel changed.
*10
My grandmother would take one bean at a time and squeeze it in a piece of twine with a loose knot. I asked why.
"I'm squeezing the farts out of it" she said.
*11
I went into that particular restaurant which featured a tank of live lobsters. You were supposed to look into their eyes and pick which of the lobsters was to be offed just for you. J
*12
If you continue to feed dumpster doughnuts to the birds, besides being high on sugar speed, they might want to drive around in police patrol cars. J
*13
I asked a technician at an Ohio animal research lab where the animals were taken when they were finished with them. He pointed to the chimney of the
incincerator and said 'they leave in smoke form'.
*14
Filling out an application, I saw boxes for African American, Native American, Amerasian, and Caucasian. Why Caucasian and not EuroAmerican?
*15
I will be a forensic pathologist and investigate the cause of death of these fast food chickens
*16
When a dog's nose is rubbed in his waste, does he know why he's being punished?
*17
Re insurance ads on tv: "We are now accepting applications which will allow you to give us your money."
*18
Re cable tv company ads: Try us now. What other choice do you have?
*19
One storage unit company's ad says 'We treat your stuff as if it were our stuff'. And it would be if you missed a single payment.
*20
Imagine you are Stephen King's son and he comes in at night to say he wants to read you a bedtime story.
*21
Re cans of tomato paste, I recommend a can opener for both ends, and using a lid to shove all the contents onto a plate.
*22
I won't criticize her... though she's ilcookerate.
*23
If Ray Charles had been wealthy and white, he might have received the health care necessary to prevent his blindness
*24
So Ben Franklin said 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'. Yes, if you throw it at him.
*25
Almond milk is more plentiful now. But how do people sit on tiny stools to milk them?
*26
Matter has consciousness. What has no consciousness doesn't matter.
*27
Seatbelts are required for human children. They should be required for pets too so that they aren't jettisoned from cars.
*28
In the freezing weather, crows with their claws can perch in the trees, but seagulls have webbed feet.
*29
He asked why it is that no matter what shape the bubble blower, the bubbles are round? Because the air pressure inside pushes equally in all directions.
*30
Vegans avoid rhyming abalone with balogna.
*31
Asked what crime the man in the movie had committed as he was chased by cops I replied "Bad acting".
*32
Hermaphroditic earthworms with 1 end female and the other male can screw themselves. And then they can connect their two ends and roll away.
*33
There were stories in the news of recruiters enticing the young into military service through video game places. Did they want infants in the infantry?
*34
In a Catholic religion class I made the mistake of repeating my father's comment that nuns were sexually frustrated penguins. I was made to go to the rear of the classroom, kneel on pencils and stretch my arms out each hand holding a Bible.
*35
I call her Impatia
*36
It's hard to catch enough angels to make an angel food cake.
*37
I bought her a birthday card which said: no trees were killed for this card...... but hundreds of bushes were savagely clubbed.
*38
As boys, we went down that dam's waterfall, the moss making a slippery slide
*39
The Veterans Administration motto may be 'vets should be seen and not heard' The VA makes vets applying for assistance feel as if they are tryinig to borrow money from their drill sergeants
*40
Don't mourn if you are attacked in an internet video game. It's just a mix of pixels.
*41
She rescues pine cones as if they are stray dogs.
*42
Omnivore crap seems to smell worse than that of herbivores.
*43 If all blood were removed from meat it would be white not red.
*44
She asked the male word for whore.... the answer is 'man'.
*45
When little, I looked eagerly through the cereal box for my Terry and the Pirates secret decoder ring
*46
I tossed the grapes at her one by one, telling her they were the grapes of wrath.
*47
In Vietnam it was said the black man fought the yellow man for the white man.
*48
Join the army. Travel. Meet new people.... and then kill them.
*49
Children in large families say the faster you eat the more food you get. Therefore is fasting gluttony?
*50
They were jumping around in the gym to get 6 pack abs. I prefer the keg I've made.
*51
Do you ever see cats running in packs?
*52
She accused me of being a flatulence ventriloquist projecting them toward her while denying ownership of them.
*53
Excess water removed the dirt but left the tree roots.
*54
Farmers say grass is a useless crop. People pour chemicals on it to make it grow faster and then they chop it off.
*55
Why is it a pair of pants and a single shirt. There are 2 sleeves in a shirt.
*56
They were collecting semen from the male animal to impregnate the female. It's so hard to get them to jerk off in a cup, especially since they don't have hands.
*57
Some diseases don't manifest for decades, yet different states' 'tort reform' requires filing within a year in many cases.
*58
The wind above the clouds moves faster while the wind below them moves more slowly. That is a factor in their shape. Gray rain clouds are lower because they are heavier.
*59
The truth is that they will endlessly repeat their ads until they finally sell all their crap.
*60
Aunt Arctica and Uncle Arctica are connected.
*61
This tiger can't change his carnivore stripes.
*62
In France do they eat the tiny ortolan songbird... to sing like him?
*63
They call gendered frogs 'it' because they're no longer alive and you can't hurt their feelings.
*64
A higher love Ohio love
*65
I'm not sleeping... it's only a long blink
*66
Colas, pop, sodas: devil juice
*67
Greenpeace goes to the South Pole and is depressed by whale murder. Then they go to the North Pole and are depressed once again. Bipolar depression
*68
Once upon a time, once a pawn of time
*69
When a snail loses his shell he's just a slug.
*70
My father used to say "Pedestrians have the right of way. Don't let your car take that right away"
*71
It's called the White House though it was built by black slaves
*72
Some are activists. I'm an inactivist.
*73
Some have teddy bears. Others have teddy rabbits.
*74
The mathematician does everything not by the book but by the numbers.
*75
If a pit bull is violent, look to the human 'owner'.
*76
Raccoons were born with masks because they're thieves
*77
I haven't yet been given an epiphany about bug rights
*78
When is someone loyal and when is he a lapdog or lackey?
*79
First Britain, France, Belgium, Portugal, Spain, Italy invaded Africa. Now Africa is invading Europe.
*80
The raccoons decided that evening to eat at Chez Dumpster
*81
We are whom we eat. Because he eats vegetarian cows, is he also a vegetarian?
*82
When we were little, my brother K said "Are you going to pay me back the dollar?" I replied "it's on account". K said 'What's that?" I replied "On account of I'm not going to pay you yet."
*83
It's ironic that drugs called antidepressants often cause suicide and homicide
*84
I asked my dad re a neighborhood kid's arrest why anyone would get in trouble for salt on a battery.
*85
Why are they hurricanes in the Atlantic and typhoons in the Pacific?
*86
I prefer wellbreaded to wellbred
*87
He was like someone who buys a Lamborghini and can't pay the insurance so it sits in the driveway
*88
My father looked at the smashed bug on our windshield and said "I guess he won't have the guts to do that again"
*89
Unlike mice, plants don't run away from vegetarian cats.
*90
On beloved Donkey Hoti rode in Don Quixote
*91
Animal killing... a karmageddon
*92
That's Mount Olive cemetery... where the olives are buried before they're resurrected as olive trees
*93
It's very difficult to perform a phlebotomy.. because of the tiny brains of the fleas
*94
They'll have the gently clubbed lobster
*95
My father said that couple was in iron and steel. She irons and he steals.
*96
I go to the library to work on the computer, because if I bought one for home, I'd be a smoking fiend.
*97
Maybe it's not just innocent animals who are murdered and eaten. Maybe some are guilty.
*98
They asked if I wanted navy beans with my dinner. But I'm an army man.
*99
* Those who walked into the back of that pizza store saw a vat of cheese wtih forest green mold... and new tree like mold spores
*100
Those deer did not pay attention in school. They're not crossing at the deer crossing signs.
*101
My mother said my birth was not occidental but on purpose.
*102
If Deepak Chopra married Oprah Winfrey, she'd be Oprah Chopra
*103
Her motto is 'never leave home without everything'
*104
The cat is a part of Neighborhood Watch. If she sees a burgler leave a house, she watches.
*105
Fog is a grounded cloud.
*106
I get enough exercise.... Each day I jump to conclusions
*107
Dad said "Don't be a smart ass". He wanted me to be a dumb ass.
*108
The lady went to her woman gynecologist... who told her she had crabs. She replied "Oh I'm so glad I got them before they grew up."