PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Miss Seegar. Baba Yaga of my 3rd grade existence. I assume. Honestly I can't remember any details about her class other than the putrid green wool dress she wore everyday, the sturdy black oxfords with a 1-inch heel, her unruly mass of drab brown-gray permed curls which were in need of constant adjusting and the sense of foreboding at the sight of her. The persistent memory I do have replays like a video clip in my head with just 2 scenes spliced together on an endless loop. Scene 1: Her lecturing me with an index finger in the hall about how "You got those boys in trouble" and Scene 2: The back steps of my elementary school, Billy Larsen (a boy who would later in 7th grade call me a "Dog" in front of the whole class... which obviously got filed in my psyche as "You're UGLY") standing up by the doors saying "Let's rape [insert my real name here cuz this is a real memory]".

Now I have relentlessly analyzed this mental telecast as closely as some have the Zapruder film (though not on purpose) and have deduced that the episode must have occurred when I was in 4th grade. How do I know? Because 9 year old me didn't know what the word "Rape" meant. How do I know? Because it wasn't until 5th grade and I made friends with a 6th grader named Robin who, on a sleepover, confided to me what that word meant. Make a note as to what was certainly the loss of my Innocence around about this same time. 

So what the hell happened in the gap? Who did I tell? I have no idea but I must have told someone though I can't remember who or what. Did any such crime actually occur? Fuck if I know. I don't think so. When I scan the schoolyard in my mind there wasn't anywhere for such a violent felony to take place. Although, I did in 6th grade, witness Kurt Beltz spy Gene [insert last name I can't remember here] way across the soccer field smoking in a hidey hole in The Bowden's bushes, sprint straight to him and drag him out, busted. I don't know how he saw that far. Superhero vision? One of the good ones, sadly Kurt died young, a Sophomore in HS, as the good ones are often purported to do. 

Whether it actually happened or not is still hidden in shadows. For me the takeaway is that Miss Seegar stole my voice. Which would later contribute to the vast gestalt which prevented me from speaking up when I was being abused later on down my lifeline. Some fucked-up ingrained code of silence that kept me bound & gagged. Why didn't I call the police the day my ex tried to choke me to death? Why did I stay another decade and then some? How little regard I have for my own life...