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what does it take to be satisfied and genuine
i cannot break my aggressive and vindictive habits.
I happen to be attracted to agony
...i dont mean to.

i would love to change
but i dont have it in me
to force myself to act accordingly is a losing war.
i will be fine for a moment then snap.
in that state nothing matters
but the pain of others.

its exhausting to trudge through life
just numb me and let me slide through.
the pain, the stress, the mess.
theres never a routine clean up

my anguish strikes and its as predictable as an earthquake
part of me is i am wrapped within my self
building a wall to keep all out
i am suffocating myself with no real reason

i cant focus i just seem to snap
and what happens after that.
lets just say theres an aftermath
a destructive wake that ignites the air around me.
i cant even sleep soundly
fuck this anger it is eating me alive
from the inside out

the flow of things are as calm as rapids through a rivers mouth
what can i take by mouth to maybe shut my mouth?
a new addiction if i go for help
self medication seems to be my safe way out

seriously that sounds appealing..
how many issues do i have to try and numb all feelings.
why cant i be sober and maybe live a life worth living
i have everything to die for
yet i am still searching for the beauty of life.

its like a broken record.
this void, this hole,
it cant be filled it wont go away
its getting harder everyday.
to try and stay afloat
this sea of sickness
that i swim in with fucking no purpose.

maybe thats the problem.
i need a purpose.
i am not one to settle in the dumps of worthless
but how is this?

the same as the yesterday
and the day before it and months before that
its so repetitive i forget the days the dates
when i sleep when i eat.

but back to the anger,
if that would just leave me
this would be so much better
but these demons of mine
wont let up
the skeletons in my closet
makes it impossible to close up.

i got shafted on the wrong side of natural selection
where its always cold
and dark as night
and flipped, and fucked,
where your not sure what the fuck is up.
or down, you just turn around and sit down
stressed,pissed, and a little unforgiving
dark days and sunny nights.
daymares... and night dreams
i just wish i could wake up
and realize this past year was just a bad dream.
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