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Pain of progress so they call it.
i havnt left this house for a month ive been counting,
the days the weeks the hours i havnt been using.
its just opening up a new opportunity to find something else worth abusing
the pain the stress its higher than ever. nothing to wash down this sickening fever
and its getting harder to breath since i am smothered in nothing but myself
ive turned selfish and cant seem to find any way to get help
i run from it its a demoralizing feeling to be codependent on your own dependency
you cant run from yourself, i wish i was everyone else, they all seemed to run accordingly,
away far away leaving me witch is my doing. i left me too.
nothing left here to see...i am not using but i am also not living.
i am killing me with the procrastination at getting help or finding me.
i dont want me, my father dont want me, god deffinitly dont want me.
hell but my addiction does, it loves me and in a sick way i love it too...
it is me as i am addiction it flows through me and whatever i touch i am instantly no longer in control
what is control...? not this. not being awake at 6 am knowing i wont sleep in two days.
i have no control. full blown addict. my toxicity is off the charts.
poisonous destructive venomous and radioactive just my presence causes many hells
i know so for i am a hell. to you. to me. mostly to my family. and i find it funny.
i cant change, ive tried. i cant do anything for myself. i dont want this... you do.
fuck you. fuck me. especially fuck me at the fact that i cant do this.
i am weak and brittle. and all alone. with nothing but my addiction outside my door
willing to fuck me for my comfort. its easy. too easy and it looks easier each day.
i dont wanna die. anymore... lingering thoughts are still there. so fucking what..
whats to change... oh 60 days clean...fuck you what about day 61 it looks harder than today...and a pat on my back dont even get me through today. i cant work the steps. i know them i can tell you all whats best for you. but when it comes to me...fuck it. deep down i just wanna use... its appealing more so than ever... i try not to sleep because i even dream about it...i am insane i want to do it again. and i really am expecting a different outcome.
i can count how many times my phone rang on one hand in 2 months... its obvious no one cares if i make it or not...sure they say so. briefly like its a cake walk. well if you read this maybe you'd understand i cant do this on my own...no one will read it just like no one will call. my summer went from suicide gone horribly wrong to detox on suicide watch to mental health institution to rehab to what seems like forever alone. i forgot how to interact even. i dont know what the fuck to talk about or how to even greet people anymore. let alone ask for help...good luck on that part. went from own apartment full time job own car surrounded by people money and complete freedom. i now have barley a room, no car. no job no bank account. and staring at a computer screen all day. i want my life back. drugs and all. if god is real than hes an evil mother fucker. hes the only person i really can blame besides me and sometimes my father. from flying high to getting your wings clipped is beyond...i cant even think of a word to describe it. i dont talk about it much. no one understand what this recoverys done to me. how much it took from me. your come backs will be that it gave me a life....well i dont see it yet. this aint life this is fucking hell. its such a bad suffering that you dont even have the energy for any death attempt if you want the real side of it. its not the drugs thats fucked up. its me. i cant blame the drugs. for how they have also helped me. most of the time forget. and never remember till really just now. yea karma is a bitch i got mine. it can let up a little. i feel stranded and that my ride of life crash landed and now i am abandoned and left to wither away without a purpose in this world. this is not what i wanted to become. ive lost everything ive loved. i have no friends...there a million miles away...and i am a million miles away from my self...i cant do this too much longer. all my passions have ran dry. no hope no faith just a sitting duck just waiting for more disaster. i promised to check in for stable living. this isnt stable i am worse off than i was with the drugs. i cant bring it together. i wait and i wait and i wait. still nothing. and i belive its always going to be nothing for i am nothing and will always be a nothing. my father once told me i dont have a use for you. and hes right becuase i cant even find a use for myself. for i belive i truly faded from existence. gone. vanished. i hate to say it but i craving attention. craving conversation. craving a friend. witch ive never felt this way in my life. thats how i know ive faded. withered and blew away in the wind. no self worth not easy to say. not much left to say not sure if i even had anything to say to begin with. i feel as if i talk now it means nothing just words. you cant even form a sentence out of it. but to all who have wondered who i am or what ive become... this message is it. not even a nutshell. this is me or whats left of me. i am breathing with a pulse. literally and it wont change but metaphorically i am dead and that also wont change. i would kill for someone i can lean on. and just...i cant even picture it i forgot what it all feels like. companionship friendship. its all something i cant comprehend anymore. and i...just simply want to live again.