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I feel like a lost child sometimes.  Forgotten in a world where everybody must fend for themselves and do what they must to get ahead in life.  I suppose that isn't too far from the truth though.  I can't really turn to my parents for guidence...cause well both of them are quite literally mentally unstable.  My mother takes a LARGE array of medication, daily... Not to mention her psychological state is well...questionable.  Her abuse as a child effected her a lot.  Her alcoholic father left her mother when she was a little girl, leaving her to raise five children.  

Nice guy huh?  I've only met him once in my life, and that was at my high school graduation.  So 17 years of nothing and a couple days of i'm sorry's...yes, i suppose that makes up for everything huh?  Well and my mom's drunken words will forever ring in my head "you don't love me, you're so selfish, you don't care about anybody but yourself, you don't deserve as much as you have" but what can you do right? At least she never hit me much, i mean, telling me that if i ever tried to hit her back that i better make sure she never gets back up, or that she'd slap me across the room...that doesn't mean much right?  Well and then at 12, during her and my father's divorce, which i found out about in the most horrible way (it was the day after i got back from disney land with my dad, and i heard her over the phone saying how she didn't love my father and couldn't stand him anymore), i would always hear them fighting at night, throwing stuff at eachother and cursing so loud i'm sure everyone in the neighborhood could hear.  but oh well right?  what can you do?  so after the divorce, my mom marries this complete JACKASS whom i'll be referring to as brian aka the dick.  

this guy was 10 years younger than her and a fucking immature bastard asshole, sorry, just had to get that out.  anyway, having him around was complete hell cause she would always take his side, and i swear on all that i find fucking holy that he would purposfully try getting me in trouble with my mom...and of course it would work every time, and i was always told to act MY fucking age (at 14) and quit trying to pit her against her husband. haha, also nobody in my family was allowed to know this, it was a secret...oh yeah, big fucking deal.  



new paragraph...anyway, so like...that marrage went down the shitter, and i swear if i ever see that motherfucking dick i'll kill him. one of the last times i saw the prick, he called my mom a bitch and some other things.  anyway then my dad has this g/f named izzy, and what a fucking ditz she is, but i ALWAYS heard them fucking in the room next door -_-  you know how much that sends my sanity over the edge, hearing my own flesh and blood moan in pleasure -_- i heard my mom and brian too, yuck right?  oh yeah, well after both my parents are single again (OH YEAH!!  forgot to mention...dad still in love with mom) mom got a new b/f...his name is rick.  i thought he was pretty cool...till he tried to strangle my mom and stuff....so yeah, she's not with him any more, but he still stalks her.  i think around this time i had met sam.  oh yes the great sam -_- i fell in love, he changed, i broke up, he hates me, i begged for forgivness, got none, and he still hates me.  yay...score one for the home team...what-fucking-ever



so then my mom meets anthony...a crack baby -_-; (btw, all these men are younger than her) he steals her car, takes drugs, steals money and gets put in jail.  does that explain enough?

whoa, but i totally passed my dad's childhood didn't i?  he also had 4 siblings like my mother did, and he was always tortured by them,  his dad was in a war, came back slightly crazed, or more than slightly, just like my mom's dad, and blah blah blah, happy family time huh?



but back to being lost (yeah...remember the top of the thing, child, lost world? yeah..)  so turning to my parents is out.  and if you've ever read my whole "Reality" rant, you'd know i don't attach to people, such is the life of a military brat.  so that's why, when i got the internet, it was like...mind blowing, cause for the first time in my life, i had people that wouldn't just move, and i could relate to them, talk about how i feel without going through the embarassment of accidentally crying infront of them



egads, when mom lived with us a little while, i loved when she would threaten to take away the net, the only REAL happiness i had in my pathetic little life right?  but blah blah blah

recently well...more like last christmas, for strange and unworthyto mention reasons, i began the nice habit of slicing my skin open with a blade, yeah, so now i have about 13 scars on one arm, and 3 or 4 on the other, i always tried to do it places where nobody could see, cause i have a habit of wearing oversized t-shirts, so the upper arm was the best place.  i still do to this say cut myself, but only when i'm really depressed with nothing to write on.  i'm such a sad loser -_- i hope that people laugh at this and think about how pitiful this is, tho i don't even deserve pity









So now I come to the end, although this isn't REALLY an end, i just needed to let out some frustration, so this did me good.  And I have to say that it IS very selfish of me, and...



I am seeing my world through my eyes, so what i say might be untrue to the others in my story or to those reading...but so fucking what... i'm a stupid, shallow, self pitying, greedy, uncaring, inconsiderate, bitch.  Thank you