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'TWAS THE CHRIS BEFORE NIGHTMAS
'TWAS THE CHRIS BEFORE NIGHTMAS
(T. Beechey)
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the abode
Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad
Well,there were a few bugs and a dog minus fur
But,no,nothing else was starting to stir
The stockings,all tattered and having large holes
All awaited deposits of large lumps of coal
The tree lights flickered over crisscrossed wires
Which,barring a miracle,would surely catch fire
The children were fighting and making a fuss
But to Mamma and me, it didn't faze us
As Junior banged Sis' head on the wall
No,the fuss didn't bother us at all
I put on my cap and her kerchief was set
We crawled into bed with nary a fret
As Sis sank her teeth into Junior real deep
"Good night," we both said and drifted asleep
Just then came a bang, then a thump and a shout
We both ran outside to check it all out
"Look," Mamma said,"up on the roof!"
I looked up to give her sighting more proof
At first,all I saw was a whole bunch of snow
"By the chimney!" said Mamma,"boy,are you slow!"
I saw a fat man with a white flowing beard
"He's holding a sack!" "Duh!" Mamma sneered
"Could it be Santa Claus?" I excitedly beckoned
"Not likely," said Mamma,"it's September 2nd!"
"Should I get my gun?" Mamma said, "I'll get mine!"
Just then,the fat man pulled out a Glock 9
"Too late!" he snarled as he fired at will
I crawled 'neath a bush, Mamma dove down a hill
The fat man kept shooting till his bullets were gone
Then he touched his nose and said,"I'm movin' on!"
I crawled down to Mamma, who lay in a heap
I asked, "Do you think the kids fell asleep?"
Mamma whacked me real hard upside the head
That's when I woke up and fell out of bed
As I laid there dazed on the hardwood floor
I swore not to drink tequila no more
"You won't believe the dream that I had!"
Mamma raised both her fists, "You peed on me bad!"
