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ME AND WILLY
When I was a little boy,we had it pretty rough
Money was the problem: we never had enough
Me and my six brothers,we wore each others' shoes
While Mama was at Bingo and Daddy was drunk on booze
We never had no fancy stuff like indoor plumbin',no!
Right out there in the outhouse is where we had to go
We couldn't afford those games like Monopoly and Checkers
So me and all my brothers,we played with our peckers
Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say
I played with it fast and slow and every which-a-way
Upside-down,inside-out,under and in-between
Over and through with ol' Willy-poo,if you know what I mean
I was barely six years old,they made me go to school
So I would sit in the back row playin' with my tool
One time,the teacher caught me and shouted out my name
And sent me to the office --- my head was hung in shame
Would I get the paddle? Or would they kick me out?
As I walked into the office,my future was in doubt
Till I saw Principal Jones with his pecker in his fist
The very next day,I was at the top of the graduatin' list
Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say
I see nothin' wrong with it,it's perfectly okay!
And,after years of practice,I've accomplished quite a feat:
I've gotten so good I can switch hands and never miss a beat
Went to church on Sunday,I just sat there reachin'
Deep inside my pocket while that man was a-preachin'
Just a-yankin' and a-crankin' while he read each Bible verse
One time Mama caught me and hit me with her purse
Preacher stopped and looked around --- "Hey,who made that noise?"
Mama fixed me with a stare that would scare all little boys
"When I get you home," she hissed,"your dad'll tan your hide!"
"Who do you think taught me how?" I quietly replied
Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say
That it's my favorite thing to do on a rainy day
There's no better way to insure time quickly slips
I've got scabs and callouses all along my fingertips
Little girl moved in next door,she was poor just like me
No pretty toys or Barbie dolls to keep her company
One day while I was strokin',she came into the yard
And asked what I was doin' cause it looked kinda hard
"I don't have one," she mumbled then she began to whine
My face lit up. "No need to cry,here! Borrow mine!"
I remember very well,her name was Becky Decker
Bet you guess what happened next --- she played with my pecker
Yes,she played with my pecker at least three times a week
And,to avoid being spotted,quite often we would sneak
Down into her basement where we'd sit upon a shelf
Until her parents moved away,then I was back with just myself
Then came the day I met my wife,I thought that it would last
But,after just a month-and-a-half,it was clear the love had passed
Maybe I didn't say "thank you",perhaps I didn't say "please"
Or possibly it was because she was nothin' but a tease
Whatever it was,it was over and we wound up in court
She deftly pointed out to the judge my every pimple and wart
Called me every name in the book,even a "Star Trekker"
So,I boldly went where I'd gone before --- right back to my pecker
Yes,I play with my pecker but never at warp speed
The one time that I tried it,it made my pecker bleed
That's when I decided to slow things down a notch
So I could live long and prosper...at least with my own crotch
Just yesterday,I was drivin' home down Interstate 44
Didn't have but a couple drinks --- well,maybe a little more
The radio was blarin' and I was singin' right along
One hand on the steerin' wheel,the other on my dong
I was smilin' and a-laughin' as I went around that curve
Then,my tires hit a wet spot and I went into a swerve
Ran my car into a ditch,the policeman called a wrecker
He asked me how it happened --- "Well...I was playin' with my pecker!"
Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say
Even as I sit here with society's debt to pay
Most men,they'll deny it --- such a notion's just absurd!
But they've been playin' with their peckers up until this very word
