When I was a little boy,we had it pretty rough

Money was the problem: we never had enough

Me and my six brothers,we wore each others' shoes

While Mama was at Bingo and Daddy was drunk on booze

We never had no fancy stuff like indoor plumbin',no!

Right out there in the outhouse is where we had to go

We couldn't afford those games like Monopoly and Checkers

So me and all my brothers,we played with our peckers

Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say

I played with it fast and slow and every which-a-way

Upside-down,inside-out,under and in-between

Over and through with ol' Willy-poo,if you know what I mean

I was barely six years old,they made me go to school

So I would sit in the back row playin' with my tool

One time,the teacher caught me and shouted out my name

And sent me to the office --- my head was hung in shame

Would I get the paddle? Or would they kick me out?

As I walked into the office,my future was in doubt

Till I saw Principal Jones with his pecker in his fist

The very next day,I was at the top of the graduatin' list

Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say

I see nothin' wrong with it,it's perfectly okay!

And,after years of practice,I've accomplished quite a feat:

I've gotten so good I can switch hands and never miss a beat

Went to church on Sunday,I just sat there reachin'

Deep inside my pocket while that man was a-preachin'

Just a-yankin' and a-crankin' while he read each Bible verse

One time Mama caught me and hit me with her purse

Preacher stopped and looked around --- "Hey,who made that noise?"

Mama fixed me with a stare that would scare all little boys

"When I get you home," she hissed,"your dad'll tan your hide!"

"Who do you think taught me how?" I quietly replied

Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say

That it's my favorite thing to do on a rainy day

There's no better way to insure time quickly slips

I've got scabs and callouses all along my fingertips

Little girl moved in next door,she was poor just like me

No pretty toys or Barbie dolls to keep her company

One day while I was strokin',she came into the yard

And asked what I was doin' cause it looked kinda hard

"I don't have one," she mumbled then she began to whine

My face lit up. "No need to cry,here! Borrow mine!"

I remember very well,her name was Becky Decker

Bet you guess what happened next --- she played with my pecker

Yes,she played with my pecker at least three times a week

And,to avoid being spotted,quite often we would sneak

Down into her basement where we'd sit upon a shelf

Until her parents moved away,then I was back with just myself

Then came the day I met my wife,I thought that it would last

But,after just a month-and-a-half,it was clear the love had passed

Maybe I didn't say "thank you",perhaps I didn't say "please"

Or possibly it was because she was nothin' but a tease

Whatever it was,it was over and we wound up in court

She deftly pointed out to the judge my every pimple and wart

Called me every name in the book,even a "Star Trekker"

So,I boldly went where I'd gone before --- right back to my pecker

Yes,I play with my pecker but never at warp speed

The one time that I tried it,it made my pecker bleed

That's when I decided to slow things down a notch

So I could live long and least with my own crotch

Just yesterday,I was drivin' home down Interstate 44

Didn't have but a couple drinks --- well,maybe a little more

The radio was blarin' and I was singin' right along

One hand on the steerin' wheel,the other on my dong

I was smilin' and a-laughin' as I went around that curve

Then,my tires hit a wet spot and I went into a swerve

Ran my car into a ditch,the policeman called a wrecker

He asked me how it happened --- "Well...I was playin' with my pecker!"

Yes,I play with my pecker and I'm not ashamed to say

Even as I sit here with society's debt to pay

Most men,they'll deny it --- such a notion's just absurd!

But they've been playin' with their peckers up until this very word

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