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To Never Feel Well Again
Shooting up is a nightly occurrence, when no one cares - why the hell not,
Every memory of Elise and me, once pleasureful, now like the worst spell caught,
I’m playing a dangerous game, Kim on the sidelines, no one else even showed up,
I keep thinking about her, her presence, every once dim particle of me instantly glowed up,
The daily struggle isn’t with the tar, it’s finding enough reason to be alive,
The world turning into the Babylon Bee, I’m shunned from separating from the hive,
I tried to abstain tonight, I figured ODing less than 24 hours ago was enough motivation,
Wrong, I caved, Elise keeps returning - and there’s no greater provocation,
She only returns in my memories though, she has moved on, her new chapter well underway,
I used to contemplate all the possibilities of her coming home, time has killed that wonder away,
I’m trying to move on, the task dauntingly difficult as I attempt it relatively alone,
I think, what will be next - my head, my car’s gasket, or another vein - that will get blown,
It’s amazing, right when you really think everything is coming together, solid as steel,
Instantly the metal turns to paper, falls like nothing was ever there, I can’t seem to heal,
Still, I feel the tears coming on every few hours, the impact upon me she had immeasurable,
When it all ends and it shouldn’t have, now I see the facades of everything we did pleasurable,
If I OD, mark it off as a suicide - the dose was just right,
Only when I die, only then will ‘family’ and ‘friends’ come into sight,
Ironically I won’t be there to see it, but that’s how they want it, that’s what they’ve chosen,
And will continue to choose, fostering a petri dish environment that abandonment grows in,
I loved Elise and still do, but that Elise is gone forever - now brainwashed, programmed,
If I could only show you how our relationship, our real life show, doesn’t have to be damned,
It’ll never happen, she’s a slave to her mom as I’ve distanced from mine to stand up for my values,
My lover, my best friend, my fiancé, my one and only, my other half, my gal - I’m destined to lose…
