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Often there is a cycle to anger and peace. A person blow ups and then there is a period of peace. But life is life. Things happen. They often are not even big things. A small annoying event will happen and it will get dismissed. There is tension. Another irritating event happens - it gets pushed under the rug because the event is not considered significant enough to make a fuss about. Tension increases. Another frustrating event - anger is pushed aside. More tension. Another event - the anger is swallowed. Tension builds. After several more frustrating events, (none of which, in the whole scheme of things, is a big deal) a small event happens and a person blows up in rage. Usually there is confusion because the nature of the event did not warrant the intensity of the anger. How could you get so mad about that? However, the tension is released. Now there is peace again - at least for a while. The building process starts again. It's like a stack of coins. Each coin is like a frustrating event. The stack gets high, then one more coin is put on the stack and the whole stack falls over.



Blow ups happen because of ongoing difficulties that are not resolved. There is a buildup of tension that is not released.  At some point, the buildup gets so intense that it cannot be contained.  Mount St. Helen's erupts.



Make change by interrupting the cycle at some point.  Bring up unresolved issues during the phase when  tension is building.



No one person is at fault. Whatever is going on between them is co-created by the two of them.  Each needs to take responsibility for his/her part in the negative cycle.



When issues have been discussed unsuccessfully before, couples need to change how they address issues.  The exercise "Sooner Rather than Later" is a useful tool that gives couples a protocol to follow when addressing and resolving issues.



http://www.b-sort.com/blog/category/relationship-dynamics/



The Defensive One needs to shift from being defensive to standing their ground when they are attacked. This is much easier said than done. It helps if the Defensive One realizes that the Attacker is feeling vulnerable too yet is hiding it in the attack. If one does not feel vulnerable there is no reason to avoid issues your spouse brings to you.