TOSS OUT THE LIGHTNING, keep the sea (after Andrea Gibson)

Folder: 
2022

when they ask

what part of

my life’s record is

s-sk-skipping

 

the part I have

scratched myself

by that I mean

the lightning scratched it but

the lightning is in my fingernails

 

it is

here and electrifying and bright

and so so different

and if I come too close

it could cut off

this lifeline I have built

 

and I want to keep

close to the sea

I have filled it with her

with life as far as the eye can’t see

a beach I can always come back to

in sync with my moon

sometimes we fill it with tidal waves

but what if this water is

the record that needs to stop skipping

 

what wound is

on repeat

 

the dichotomy

that is what I keep

running back to

the touches

the whispers

the flirts I

want to say

shouldn’t say

 

what wound is

on repeat

 

I need to stop

writing for you

drawing it out

I need to keep

writing for you

can’t leave it in

but there is no one else

that could hear this like you

 

when they ask

what part of

my life’s record is

s-sk-skipping

 

another day

I am walking the world gallery

and turning to look

out the windows

those trees would be

so comfortable if only

I could climb them

 

you drop puzzles on me

that don’t fit and still

some of the pieces

I can’t pull apart

I have filled them with

all these expectations

 

I have never been good

at puzzles or goodbyes

I have never been good

at speaking my mind

(or knowing not to)…

this drink in my system

I think maybe

somehow

you know everything I’ve ever felt

 

when they ask

what part of

my life’s record is

s-sk-skipping

 

it’s this gravity in my throat

I’m close enough to a marionette it

holds me down keeps me weak

yet pulls me so I feel I’m floating

how can you be my earth

when I love your comet

I bite my tongue because fuck

I live in this solar system

and if I pull away I’m not sure

what space I take up

 

spending the turn of the century

alone in

my own head

 

another type of together heartache

feels a lot like

slippery slope déjà vu

 

and I need to

b-br-break out

throw out that

record player

toss out

the lightning

keep the sea

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 12/31/22

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