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`Twas The Night Before Christmas!'
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the pad
The party was booming with Mamas and Dads
Their kids were all dreaming in their little beds,
Of dollies and drum-sets and shiny new sleds .
The party had started the evening before
And the music and laughter had grown to a roar!
The grooviest chicks had arrived about one
And that's when the party had really begun!
The noise shook the roof of the condo co-op
Till the tenants below finally called in a cop
But the cop didn't mind, being Irish and all,
For he soon got off duty and joined in the ball!
The girls were decked out in flimsy attire
And soon all the guys began to perspire.
Everyone was quite merry and as loose as a goose
So nobody spotted those EIGHT TINY MOOSE!
"Oh Stupid, on Ugly, on Dopey and Dale!
Put your snouts to the wind! Get hot on the trail!
On Slinky! On Playmate! Now dash away all!
To the top of that punchbowl, we'll have us a ball!
It was hard to believe such a fat little bloke
Could swim in the punch with a nifty backstroke!
He swam 'round the bowl, taking nips as he went
'Til the bowl emptied out and poor Santa was spent!
So he slept for an hour or two in the bowl
'Til he woke with a start realizing his goal!
He started to climb up its slippery side
But he stepped on a cherry and started to slide!
Back to the bottom he slid with a "Whe-e-e!"
While he held his fat belly and giggled with glee.
Then after awhile he started to shout
When he finally realized he couldn't climb out!
This sobering fact sent fingers to mouth
And he whistled and whistled first north and then south.
His MOOSE-team was no-where in sight on the scene
So reality struck and Santa turned green!
How could he ever explain things at lunch
If he missed Christmas Eve 'cause he swam in the punch?
But knowing full well he could do nothing more
He curled up near a cherry and started to snore!
He dreamed of each Christmas both past and to come
And the fun that he had when he drank all that rum.
He remembered those nights Mrs Claus got so mad
When those Scotch Whiskey-Sours kept him home in his pad!
And what would his friends in the locker room say
If they knew Mrs Claus made him join the AA?
He tossed and he turned, first this way then that,
But the stems from the cherries kept hurting his back!
When he finally awoke it was just turning dawn,
The party had ended... the music was gone.
He panicked at once when a foot hit the stair
For he mustn't be found in his wet underwear!
As the footsteps grew louder, he wished he had died
As he looked all around him for someplace to hide.
But finding no hideout to stow his plump frame
He readied himself to face all the shame!
Sitting and shivering without a fair chance
His gaze swept the room in one long, final glance.
Then suddenly off near the window he saw
A sight that both cheered him and made his blood thaw!
For there, near the ceiling, still dapper and loose
Was his miniature sleigh and his eight tiny MOOSE!
But holding the reins and flapping her jaws
Was his dearly beloved, the old MRS CLAUS!
She looked up above and she gazed down below
In frantic despair for her punch-drinking beau.
"There he is now!" she cried, pointing down,
"Let's head for the punchbowl and save the old clown!"
With a swishing that blew all the curtains around
Mrs Claus turned the MOOSE-team and headed straight down.
Grabbing his beard as they went whisking by
She pulled him aboard without blinking an eye!
Then up to the ceiling in a smooth, level flight,
Past the big chandelier, then a turn to the right.
When she made some distance she pulled up the sleigh
And turned 'round to Santa to have a good say!
"It's good that your MOOSE-team all knew the way home
Or I'd never have found you, you drunk little GNOME!"
Now through all her crowing he was changing his clothes
While he shaked and he shivered and rubbed his red nose!
"Just what makes you do it, you drunken old slob?
'Cause one of these days you just might lose your job!
I wait every year through your Christmas Eve roam
And it's always the same... you just NEVER come HOME!"
She then pointed downward and said, "Look at that!
Just look at those swingers all layin' out flat.
They're practically naked...they'll all catch a chill,
In spite of the fact they drank more than their fill! "
So Santa peeked over the side of his sleigh
At the scene down below piled naked that way .
But then Mrs Claus slapped him upside the ear.
She covered his eyes and said, "Don't you DARE!"
So, knowing full well that his Christmas was through,
Santa grew kind of humble and looked kind of blue.
Dejected and sad he sat up in his sleigh
And signalled his MOOSE-team to get under way!
With negative thoughts running all through his mind
He knew he'd just have to get on with the grind.
So with one longing look at the scene down below
His sleigh started rising... tired and slow!
It gathered momentum as dawn came on fast
And he circled the room for just one farewell pass.
With the sleigh hovered high o'er the scene down below,
Santa grabbed up a 'chute saying,"OVER WE GO!"
His 'chute opened wide to a billowing float
He looked up at his Missus and waved with a gloat!
The sleigh kept on climbing as high as a kite
And sailed through the window disappearing from sight!
High up in the sky, just a far distant speck
Poor Mrs Claus was becoming a wreck.
She grabbed at the reins and cracked down the whip
But the MOOSE didn't quiver or falter or slip !
"Turn around!" she hollered, "or I'll break all your backs
and I'll use all your horns to make fancy coat-racks!"
But the MOOSE-team just turned and gave her the bird
And they listened as Santa Claus shouted his word:
"You've all seen the last of this little old slob,
I'm through! I'm all finished! I'm quitting this job!"
Just then Santa landed, happy hearted and gay
To wave once again at the high-flying sleigh !
Now each year his Missus still sits in her house
And keeps on repeatin' "I'll get even, you louse!"
While Santa Claus lies on a beach in the sun
Sippin' punch thru a straw... havin' nothin' but fun.
