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To No-One; You are my Everything
I knew when you said it, it was a lie, however unintentional. I knew it could not be; circumstances would not allow. Despite what you or I want to be, it will never change what is, and that...that just is not to be.
I hate myself for believing. I knew better, I really did. But in my hightened emotional state that occurs whenever my lonely mind chances upon you, I foolishly reached for you like a drowning man's hand, with clutching fingers, reaches to the heavens for anything that might pull him from his fate and finds nothing more substantial than sunlight and promises.
And like that drowning idiot, reaching for bright promises, my searching, grasping hand found no purchase and I slipped into my own misery without even my dignity by my side, feeling worse for needing what I could not have, for not relying more on myself.
Don't say anything. Don't...I should have collected myself, quieted my racing fears. I should have been stronger...you didn't know that, did you? That I could be strong? I should have called upon my instinct for self-preservation and swam away from you when I had a chance...
And one cannot hold you blameless in this, as well, you know, so don't hold your head up so self-rightiously. How dare you? How could you tell me I could actually count on you? You fool! You had to have known you would not be there...Oh how I hate you!
I hate you for being such a damned fool!!! I hate you for being so oblivious. I hate you for being the romantic asshole always letting slip the words which stop my heart and break my will. I hate you because I can't stop loving you, because I'll love you long after you have forgotten what it was about me you liked so much, and don't say that won't happen...I'll hate you for that as well.
I hate you, most of all, because no matter how I try, even after everything, I cannot hate you, because I cannot find neither a reason nor the energy to hate you.
And I cannot tell you. I long to see you happy and fullfilled, and if you knew what a desperate and miserable cage I have bedded down in, your happiness would always be marked with the black stain that knowledge would leave behind. In your foolishness, you would forfeit your own happiness for another stupid noble cause...and why? There is no gain...
You would stop yourself from doing what we both know you need to do to be happy, and, dammit, if you won't keep your well-being in mind, then I am forced to take up the burden myself. Only one of us needs to feel the cold-heat of a dying heart failing from within.
And so I write letters to no one. I lift my voice and smile whenever your gaze stops a moment to bless my face. I tell you the sweet lie, though it lingers bitter on my tongue, as I send you on your way to sunnier, happier lands.
With my last, rattling breath painfully drawn in, I will show you a genuine mirth, though not for the reason you would think, and merrily say, "Don't worry on me, Heart. Sweet Cookie, I am just perfect, " and in that moment when you turn away, with a final shudder, I shall quietly pass away and drift off on a stray wind before you remember that I ever was....
