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I didn't know

The last time

Would eventually arrive

That I would carry guilt

On the day that you died

I didn't know

I'd have no choice

Whether I'd see you again

I saved myself

From being hurt

I carried my boundaries

As stones in the sand

The damage you caused

You never chose to understand

You manipulated the ending

You told me I wouldn't be okay

If I stuck to my boundaries

And you died some day

No apologies, or accountability

For the damage that you caused

And even now you live in my head

Do you know the things you robbed?

But guilt is a liar

That borrowed the voice of grief

It doesn't speak the truth

It only speaks what could have been

I mourn the loss of what I should have had

And the times that seemed okay

You were never what I deserved dad

Yet I can't make this guilt go away

I cry for the father that I once had

One that was free before addictions fell

But that man disappeared many years ago

And the you that died put me through hell

I can love you

And hate you, but damn it's confusing

The dichotomy hurts, is it pain that I'm choosing?

Complicated grief is messy and raw

I feel unheard, like my story's not told

And I guess I will bury it

Though it's not mine to hold

You stay on the pedestal

where loved ones like to help you

But I hide in shadows and bury your name

And I'll stay the keeper of my own shame