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The Unforbidden Silence
The Unforbidden Silence
It’s Wednesday. I’m at the neighborhood park on the deserted swings drawing hearts into the sand under my bare feet with a stick. In my other hand is a picture of my dad who is not here anymore. I try to photocopy his picture into my mind, but as the time goes by, his features disappear. This man in the picture is not my dad anymore, for I don’t remember how my dad looks. I cry in my head wishing that his face could come back to me. My tears are stuck inside of me and are not able to push theirselves out of my eyes into the open, summer air. It’s been a year and a half since the last time I gave him a hug and said good morning. If only I had begged more, maybe he could be embracing my hug right now. I wish that I could tell my mom how I feel about not hearing his voice anymore. Too bad she’s always at the bar smoking a cigarette or downing shots.
I have a shrink appointment today. My mom thinks that I need help getting through this pain, but I’m doing fine without her “help”. I mean it’s not my fault that her life is addicted to death. My aunt, dies when she was only 14 in a car accident. Her mom died when she was 18 from stray bullets when a couple of gangs thought it would be funny to pull triggers in random directions. Her father died when she was 25 from when burglars decided to invade our house, steal things, and kill him so that no one would find out what happened. I think he made the wrong choice. Lastly, my dad.
Sometimes I think it’s my fault. That maybe if I cried enough everything would be the same and I’d be going to school with real frieds. Not sympathetic weirdos that look at me as if all that happened was their fault. What did THEY do to look at me like that? They stare at me with softened chins and cheeks, eyes drooping as if they are about to cry, and their heads tilted like a crow’s.
I looked around the playground after hearing a child. I squinted my glazed over eyes to see her face, but she was too far and was running with who I think was her dad. As they got closer I noticed that the girl was Abby Perkins, a six year old girl I babysat for extra money. Behind her wasn’t her father, but the hottest guy in school, Jake, her older brother. Not that I cared though; I cared too little for things like that.
“Hello,” he says with his velvet voice. I don’t really talk after IT happened. I felt like being naïve, so I just stay quiet drawing my hearts. I then remember my appointment and check my watch. It’s 9:40. My appointment with the shrink—that I extremely feel bad for because of the reason that he has to have patients worse than I—starts ub 20 minutes. I get up from my crazy comfortable seat and walk away from Abby who was currently “on” the monkey bards with Jake holding her up. I walk home and before I sit down, I pull out my cellphone out of my back pcket. I speed dial my mom. She doesn’t pick up the first or second time, which frustrates me. “Oh well, her loss,” I quietly whisper to myself.
“Who’s loss?” my mother slurred behind me.
“Oh, you scared me. Nothing. Let’s go,” I say shocked.
By the times I get to Mr. Briggs’s office, my heart rate finally calmed down to regular speed from after that scare. But something about being at a doctor’s office that brings my heartbeat up.
“Jeniffer Smith to the office,” the assistant said for the millionth time as if she was a recording. As I walked up to the office with un-even steps, I saw Jake with Abby on his lap. Jake’s mother has also died in the past two years. So his father is a natural work-o-holic trying to make life as normal as can be. But I don’t know which one of them is here for the therapist; but I can’t think of why they WOULD be there. I guess looks really are decieving.
I’m guessing that my attitude woke up on the right side of the bed though, because without thinking, I said, “Hi, and sorry for not answering you before.” It’s a weird and eerie thing that happened. He looked stunned and just nodded his head. Abby though, the exact opposite though shreiked, “Hi Jennifer!!! Can we play today?!” She was so loud that the office doors started opening to see what had happened.
“Sure. Maybe after lunch. Can I ask you something while I’m there Jake?”
“Umm, ok, sure, umm…?”
“Jennifer, remember?”
Wow, I don’t even talk that much with my other friends. What’s happening??
“Jennifer Smith. Please go to the office immediately.” Frightened that Ms. Assistance Lady was going to actually come up and get me, I fast walked to the office down the hall. Before I opened the door, I read the sign trying to convey humor on it for the 67th time.
Dr. Briggs
-Founder of WANT HELP? WELL, WE GOT IT!!
“Hello Jennifer,” said the shrink carefully as if he knew that I would explode with words at any time, and he was absolutley right, for the first time in a very long time.
“Okay, for the 68th time, and in counting, I would like you to call me by the name Delynne. I am Delynne here, and well, hello,” I said backing off at the end.
“Okay, DELYNNE,” enunciating on my name, “anything happen this week or weekend?
“Not really, but weirdly enough, today, I actually talked to someone, Jake. And the whole time I was nervous or didn’t know what to do. It’s different, and it’s weirding me out.”
“How does that make you feel?” he asked. Sigh.
“I just told you! It makes me feel N-E-R-V-O-U-S. It makes me feel W-E-I-R-D. It makes me feel D-I-F-F-I-R-E-N-T. It makes me feel G-I-R-L-Y because I’ve read enough books to know that this means that I like this guy. You know what? I find it hilarious that me and my mom have to pay you $150 an HOUR for you to ask me what I just said! You have no empathy. You waste time by asking what you already know for more money!! Most of the time, you talk in “physcobabble” that leaves me hanging. And you know what? I don’t even believe that half of it is true. You’re probably just making up big words and long sentences to win time. You know what Mr. Shrink? I think that you’re a complete and utter waste of time.”
“I’m sorry that you feel that way Delynne, but for right now, you are stuck with me. So just take a deep breath and explain what’s going on. Pretend that you’re talking to thin air; vent your thoughts. And by the way, I would prefer you call me by Mr. Briggs.” Sigh…again.
“Okay, Mr.Shrink. Today started out……..” I go on talking to Mr. Shrink as if he is thin air about Jake and I start noticing myself say nice things about him. I start noticing myself think that he really IS the cutest guy in school. And when I’m not even half way finished, I hear the beeper go off saying that our time is up.
After I got home, I ate my “delicious” MickyD’s, did my share of chores, and took a longer-than-usual shower. I used this time to think about what was going on with me; why I was different today. And while changing after my shower, I noticed that the time was 11:56. “Shoot,” I thought remembering my promise to Abby. I jogged into my walk-in closet and grabbed pink sweatpants and a gray T-shirt.
“Ugh,” I say as I try to get the my mess people call hair brushed. I bless those unneeded Christmas presents though after putting on lipgloss. As I move aside my bangs off of my face, I look into my eyes. Plain brown eyes. That’s me. Plain brown hair, plain colored clothes, plain attitude. Hey, that’s me again. If youknew me before IT happened, you’de love me and want to be my best friend. That’s who I was.
I try to imagine myself with my old eyes and hair and clothes. Icy blue contacts, the longest and shiniest hair, tight clothes that showed off my figure. I would wear big makeup and look beautiful. And I was popular. I was known by everyone in school. Most importantly, though, I was confident.
I ran to Abby’s house and unexpectedly ran my fingers through my hair the second I saw Jake working on the cars.
“Hi Jake,” I mumbled with all my might.
“Hello!” he yelped cheerfully.
“Why so happy?” I said louder this time.
“My car just got back from the shop and I’m going to give it a ride. You wanna come?”
“Okay,” I answered too quickly, “how do I get in?” noticing that there are no doors.
“That’s the beauty of it. Go through the window.”
“Oh?” I questioned as I carefully climbed up into the window and adjusted myself to the seat. I remembered seeing him at the therapist and that I wanted to ask why he was there. So I sat, waited for him to get the engine ready, and tried to think of an icebreaker. He was probably thinking the same thing, or reading my mind because he asked me about it just when I did.
“Oh yeah! Why were you at the therapist?” we both asked. He answered first.
“Well apparently it’s not just a place for problems. The place has physical therapy, too. Go figure,” he laughed.
“Oh, well my mom thinks that I need to go because of what happened to my dad. Did I just say that outloud?” I’ve never said that outloud; even to myself.
“Oh,” he stays quiet while parking the car. We have stopped infront of a Starbucks.
“Have a craving for coffee?” I joked.
“That and two other reasons.”
“Really??” I sarcastically asked.
“Yes. Number one, the craving. Number two, I thought it would be nice. And number three. I’m bringing my friend that works here some small metal pieces. He welds cool designs from any metal or specifically steel.”
“Cool. I have to see that someday.”
“Yup! Oh…My…Gosh…” I saw him looking across the room to him ex, with Dave Alexander: her previous ex, holding hands.
“What?” I ask even though I know the answer.
“Oh,” he looks for an excuse, “nothing. The line is just so long,” even though there are only two people in the line.
“If it’s about Chelsi, you can trust me.”
“No it’s the line. What about Chelsi? Whatever, she’s a jerk that’s in love with her self anyways. My friend looks busy, let’s go,” he says everything just a little bit too fast.
“Ok, I mean I promised Abby to play anyways.”
“Sorry about no coffee,” he apologized for the millionth time.
“It’s ok, and stop saying sorry. Instead tell me why you went all weird.”
“Yeah. Ok. It was Chelsi. But I don’t like her anymore. There is someone else on my mind.” As he said this, he drove up his driveway. I let him get out first so that I could learn how to get out myself. Then, I asked him who was on his mind.
“I don’t know if I should tell her. I’m afraid she won’t like me back. What about you?” I fell butterflies next to the fireworks.
“I don’t know if I should tell him. I’m afraid he won’t like me back. Ha,” I nervously choked. “But really, who is she?”
“She’s infront of me. You?” he said after clearing his throat.
“Same here,” I said right before I gave him a kiss. Yup, I felt the sparks. It felt like we were magnets meant to be. We both pulled away at the same time. It was like a first kiss.
“Sorry,” I smiled mischieviously.
“Don’t be,” he smiled in return.
“What do you want to play now Abby?” I smiled at Jake.
“Hide and Seek!!!” she hollered.
“Ok. Again? Who’s it?”
“Me, DUH. You and Jake hide!”
“Count to 20 first so that we know you won’t cheat,” Jake said like the brother he is.
“Don’t be mean Jakey! I can count!” she cried. She flipped her hair and turned her body to the wall. “One, two, three..” she whispered to the wall as I started running around looking for a place to hide. I ran the opposite direction as Jake and found a closet to hide in. About two seconds after I turned in the closet, he ran in. I almost yelled from the scare, and he then saw me. We looked at eachother and just started to laugh. I laughed so hard, that I fell onto him and lost my breath for a second. We then became serious and the laughing stopped. I caught my breath and just looked into his eyes.
He caught onto my arm and pulled me forward into another kiss. His free hand was under my neck and he kept staring into my eyes. I wanted it to be slow, so I relaxed my neck and allowed him to pull me upwards into his embrace. And this all happened in a matter of seconds. By the time that I started to bring my hands up to his face, we heard Abby say, “Where ever you are, here I come!” but we thought nothing of it. We just kept going and soon after she opened the door of the closet and I pulled away as fast as possible.
“I found you guys!!” she yelled.
“I should get going,” I said after our 21st game in counting. Abby never even knew what we were doing for every single one of those games. She thought that we were hinding in different places everytime, when we were really still in the closet.
“I’ll walk you,” Jake got up.
“It’s ok. But if you really want toooo,” I held on.
“Ha. Ha,” he sarcastically added.
“Bye Abby!” I hugged her.
“Come on slow poke. God, hurry up!!!” Jake bugged.
“Ya, ya.” I only live three houses down, so it didn’t take much time to get to the streetlight infront of my house. “Goodnight Jake.”
“Goodnight.” He gave me a quick peck on the right cheek.
I slowly walked up the porch stairs and looked back to see him wave.
By the time I’m in bed, I’m dead. All I want to do is let my head go through the pillow until I can’t see. Until I could smell last night’s shampoo in my pillowcase. This is he time of day I don’t want to think about anything. When I relax my back, I feel the pain releasing from those cramped up hiding spaces. I softly drowned myself into my comforter and Temper-Pedic mattress. I saw the blinking light from my alarm clock and covered it up. I still saw the light so I pulled deeper into the darkness of comfy. Finally, FINALLY…I could see nothing.
It was a weird kind of thing, because even with my eyes open, I could make myself believe that that were closed. My mind slowly drifts away. I feel the unconsiousness coming. Just a minute away. I sense the tiredness. Hmm… Going, going,…go-
I am awakened by none the other but natural light. The good thing about my room is that the window is positioned at a place that when the sun comes up I am awakened. Another good thing is that it takes a while to get up with that light. So on Friday nights, I turn off my alarms, and wake up fressh from the sun. I glance at my digital clock and the eyecovers need to be moved. I pull it off to check the time. It is 10:45. Well, I’ve got no plans for today, so I change into a hoodie, my long sweatpants, and put my tousled hair in a messy bun.
Today id going to be a radio/book day. What I consider a relaxing day. After I have my Lucky Charms cereal for breakfast, I push myself to the bookshelf. There are 31 books on there each with at least more than 200 pages. As you can probably tell, I’m a book-o-holic. I browse to see which book to reread. I choose my favorite: “The Unforbiden Silence”. It’s about a girl that has a life close to mine. Except that she gets through it all. I mourn in private and I can’t get through it.
This book shows me that no matter what, people finish. Sure, I’ve heard the saying, the advice, the self-consious. But I’ve read AND gone through it, too.
After I’ve gone to the shower and gotten to page 27, the doorbell rang. I jumped from the startle. I mark my weathered page and run downstairs from my blue room. I see Jake through the peephole and hurredly opened the door.
“Hey!” I cough out still startled by the doorbell.
“Hey. Look, there’s been somehting on my mind. I really have to ask you this.”
“Sure. Do you want to come in?”
“Ok,” he walks through and finds himself a seat on the couch. I sit so close to him that our knees touch. And it makes me feel okay that he doesn’t seem to mind. “Umm, how did your dad…you know…?”
“Oh. Well, you first?” I tried to stall.
“She got into drugs behind out backs.”
“Oh wow. Sorry.”
“It’s ok. It’s made me the person I am today. Your turn.”
“First can I know why you want to know?” I said sweetly to stall. I’ve never said anything about this to anyone.
“Well, last night you were on my mind, then I saw a picture of my mom and then the both of you were on my mind. It got me thinking you know? So I hardly slept last night because it was on my mind. I didn’t want to go crazy so I tho---,” I cut him off by shushing him and put my pointing finger on his lips. I gave him a hug and knew that I couldn’t stall anymore. This is where the explaining began.
“Well, it was a normal Saturday night like any other. Here’s the thing about Saturday nights though: my dad only drinks wine on that day for reasons no one knew,” I felt my stomach flip. “He told me he was thirsty so I took him his favorite wine: Cabornet or Merlot. I can’t be sure. About an hour later, the long glass bottle is finished and he tells me that he is going to the store for his stomach pain pills and sleeping pills.
“I begged him not to go; that mom or I should go and that it’s too dangerous. But he declined. No matter how much I cried, he never listened. He was a guy that didn’t pay any attention after ten PM, 8:30 on Saturday’s and Sunday’s considering the drinking,” I felt the tears coming out for the first time. The waterworks found their way out.
“When he didn’t come home we called the police. They were busy and no one picked up. In that case, my mother and I knew something was up from our feelings. My mom drove us to the store-not an alcoholic yet- and on our way there we saw a large car crash. ‘Poor guy. Bless him family,’ my mom had said. I had more feelings then. The lady at the store, Mrs. Flemms, -gosh, I remember this day so clearly- said that my dad had already gotten the pills.” By now, the tears were finding their way to gravity’s ground from my cheeks acting as their roads. But my voice was only a bit wobbly crescendo-ing its ability to wail like a baby every second.
“She also said that he had a stomach pain pill on his way out, but that he wasn’t paying a lot of attention. That was when I knew that my father had the sleeping pills on accident while having alchohol running through his system. He also probably went to the liquor store next door for a drink on the road. That’s why we thought he was late. So when we called him before, he was probably way too out of it and picked up the phone too late. I then told my mom to go to the place of that car accident and when we got there, I ran out of the car to tell the officer that I thought my dad had been in that crash.
“The cop believed me and told my mom the information. My dad was so predictable,” I cried.
“I’m so sorry Jen,” Jake sympathized.
“You’re the first person I said that aloud to. Not even to myself or the therapist. Jake didn’t even say anything. If it wasn’t about our parents he would have probably said, “I’m honored,” as a joke.
He quickly pulled my arms and takes me outside. We walked to his two story home and he took me in throught the back. “So Abby doesn’t see.” During all of this, I’m trying not to let out anymore tears. Those could wait until bed. “Please, go up. I’m right being you.” So I climbed up and tried to get in. The treehouse reminded me of his car. Hard to get in, but beautiful.
“Why am I brought here?” I joked to push away tension.
“You’re the first person that’s ever been in here besides my parents. Not even Abby.”
“Well, I know I’m honored,” I give him a kiss after I take his line. There go the magnets.
We talk the whole day about everything. Good thing my mom is on a “business trip”. Before I talked to Jake, I thought I was the forbidden silence. But after I let everything out, I was the unforbidden silence. I went through the hard troubles and became happy and independent. That night, before we slept-in the treehouse next to eachother- we both just cryed. We let go or ourselves and cried on eacother’s shoulders and breathed in the fresh air. From the outside, we might look hard like nothing’s happened. But on the inside, we have been crying the whole time.
This whole time, I’ve been trying to keep quiet and only mourn. I never knew how good it felt to let go. I WAS the unforbidden.
