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Dear Mother,

I found out about you

But certainly not enough

There are still questions

Encircling my mind

Not allowing me to escape the insanity

That has become what you spawned

Those twenty years ago

Before I lived

Or I died

At your careless hands.



Dear Mother,

Sometimes I wonder if I still hate you

And the answer is still yes

You've still cut me straight to the bone

You've still left me here, without you

To travel around in circles

A zombie, looking for the one thing

That you could have given me

Instead of the shoulder

That could not bear my growing weight

Any longer than you.



Dear Mother,

I still run my fingers over the scars

You left hidden inside my mind

And deep inside my heart

To see if time has had the opportunity

To make them something beautiful

Like I try to imagine your face to be

As you first held me in your arms

Tears, running down your face

With the anguish of a decision

Much too hastily made

And foolishly followed through with.



Dear Mother,

Don't you see?

I cry these tears for you

Just as much as I cry them for me

Holding onto a memory

Nay, a desperate hope

That death had taken you prematurely

Away from me

Rather than the fate that did

For no mother

Deserves the hatred of her child.



Dear Mother,

Are you still out there?

Have you often thought of me?

I've thought of you

With every breath

I exist in you

Just as much as you exist

In me-

The empty spaces we both feel

When our eyes both open

And close.



March 3, 2004