Dear Mother,
I found out about you
But certainly not enough
There are still questions
Encircling my mind
Not allowing me to escape the insanity
That has become what you spawned
Those twenty years ago
Before I lived
Or I died
At your careless hands.
Dear Mother,
Sometimes I wonder if I still hate you
And the answer is still yes
You've still cut me straight to the bone
You've still left me here, without you
To travel around in circles
A zombie, looking for the one thing
That you could have given me
Instead of the shoulder
That could not bear my growing weight
Any longer than you.
Dear Mother,
I still run my fingers over the scars
You left hidden inside my mind
And deep inside my heart
To see if time has had the opportunity
To make them something beautiful
Like I try to imagine your face to be
As you first held me in your arms
Tears, running down your face
With the anguish of a decision
Much too hastily made
And foolishly followed through with.
Dear Mother,
Don't you see?
I cry these tears for you
Just as much as I cry them for me
Holding onto a memory
Nay, a desperate hope
That death had taken you prematurely
Away from me
Rather than the fate that did
For no mother
Deserves the hatred of her child.
Dear Mother,
Are you still out there?
Have you often thought of me?
I've thought of you
With every breath
I exist in you
Just as much as you exist
In me-
The empty spaces we both feel
When our eyes both open
And close.
March 3, 2004