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Lesson Inside of Me
In these long years it has been a difficult road
With only the sound of footsteps always on the go
And in every step that I have taken
There has been something that I didn't know
In the silence and determination of travel
I realized it doesn't have to be that way
This self inflicted torture is not required
So why in this solitude have I rendered to stay
The scenery I have always admired
The conversation has always been one sided
I thought that there was nothing I could do
And all the company, I know I denied it
What an enticingly majestic mirage I designed
I didn't even know that I was so miserable
And in all that I had been through I swear
That at the time it was all irrefutable
Undeniable yes, unnecessary yes,
Unbelievable yes, undoable no
I have sentenced myself here
But there is still so much I don't know
Why have I surrendered to this docile plain
I know there was something but now it's gone
What was it I was hiding from
Oh, there it is, my it has been so long
Just the thought of him, I feel my heart
I can't even count all the pieces but its there
Each shard of what's left barley holds any life
I watch the blood trickle down to god knows where
Now I understand, it happened the day he left
I've walked this path alone and never looked back
But now I just got to look down and I'm reminded
Of all that I lost despising the facts
I get the courage to look behind me and to my terror
As far as the eye can see a trail of blood that's mine
It's just gone in a giant circle and in the center
He is laying there untouched by time
My own screams are nothing to the uncontrollable pain
Now I understand, I have never really gotten anywhere
This was all a lie, it was all just to fragile
Just the thought of what we were is too much to bear
Now I notice the fields I thought were roses
Is just the blood that spread as it drained from me
The horror of how long I have been doing this
Pales only to facts of all that I see
The tears in my eyes, the blood on my hands
The cries in the throat, the pain in my heart
All of this, all that I've done, won't change a thing
No matter how hard I wish, we are still apart
Oh dear god, what have I done
I have sentenced myself to a life alone
For the fear of not having it again
But a greater fear of the pain when it's gone
Having it once was a blessing
Losing it was damnation
To willing put myself through it again
Will only be deliberate annihilation
This is what I was hiding from
Why I was keeping it buried in myself
I thought I was protecting my heart
But really I was only imprisoning myself
There, right there. I can hear it again
Like the voice of an angel calling
Is it going to lead me to heaven back him
Why do I feeling like I am falling
These chains, I've never noticed them before
They are as cold as every tear that has fallen
Each link a reminder of what I don't have
They're so heavy I resulted to crawling
Why have I tortured myself so
When I hear that voice they begin to shake
If I follow this voice, I'll leave this entire behind
It is my resolve that cause the chains to break
I cant move, I cant speak, what now
I don't want to be left to die here
I cant take my fears to paradise with me
Now I can see it all so clear
I have to leave this all behind
No more fears or doubts I can carry
So now I begin to move forward
A haze settles in so blurry
I can hear the call but unsure of where it is
And for once begin to fear something new
It just grows thicker and I can't see anymore
But now I question all that I knew
I can smell the bloodied fields I can go back
But as I turn that voice just gets sweeter
It tugs at my heart and every fiber of my being
But I don't know where I can meet her
All I know is that I want to see this angel
I want to go where I can be happy, into Paradise
So I close my eyes, just knowing I'll see her
My heart warms with faith and the mist dissipates
I feel the sun on my face so I open my eyes
My heart stops and my reserves cave in
Love at first sight so much I am blinded
Such disbelief, could it really be him
I see his eyes, his hair, his smile
The tears are completely uncontrollable
Those hands, his thumbs, so strong
The resemblance is undeniable
Our daughter, has only the best of him
The love we shared and memories made
I can take it all with me and hold it forever
He is also in her, that won't ever fade
How perfectly she fits in arms
There is so much love in her eyes
So much warmth in her smile
In his dismissal she was my prize
There is so much faith in her heart
So much hope and tenderness in her touch
And all of it is here for me
I didn't know I missed it so much
I didn't have faith, or hope
No warmth or love of my own
But she has plenty for me it's
Everything that I'd never known
Her kisses are soft and redeeming
Her love is more than I can bear
I am overcome with relief and love
I fall to my knees and cry "it's unfair"
I have a blessing in my ruin heart
I can hold her whenever I want and more
I can be with her everyday of my life
And he can only watch from heavens door
For the first time in a long time
Someone is holding me
"It's ok mama" she says
With her arms wrapped around me
I know he loved me, I loved him
I know that we were his whole life
But he was only a part of mine and
Someday I will be someone else's wife
It's ok to find another and to love
I'll need another to mend my heart
I already have the best of him right here
So I need someone to give the best of me
I know now I can't unearn his love
It will stay for the rest of my days
But it is my love that needs to be given
I'll need to grow in different ways
9-26-08
