Author Information
State of Mind
I'm a bit lost, don't mind me, i was once well known, but I am becoming a stranger to familar faces. Different places, a different scene. i havent been to church in a year, or driven down the road I grew up on. And I feel as though.. I should tell you why. I have no idea who Kayla Lynn Borden is. I didn't hit my head.. not that I remember. But I don't remember much these days. All i know if that I am not happy where I am, but I have no idea where I want to be, who I want to be or how I want to be. I believe I am having a mid-life crisis. at 22. So unwilling to blog. I decided to write. I thought it would be a poem, but my words no longer rhyme. All of a sudden, it is hard. Poetry hard. Living free is hard. Being me.. is hard. I want to do everything I ever did to ever make myself happy, but I can't do it anymore. and that makes me sooo sad. I feel as if, maybe if I keep writing here to you.. however you are that you will give me ispiration, that a song will start in myt heart, that words will flow from my pen, that I will paint draw and sing again. But it hasn't happened yet so I guess I'll keep writing. It has been years. Since Ive seen his tombstone, but all of a sudden. I think that might be what is wrong. Is it normal to cry and cry and cry over something that happened years and years ago as if it was a fresh wound everytime you think about it? Maybe I never grieved. But God if what I did wasn't grieving I must not know how. TEACH ME?! I am single, and worst than being single.. I'm lonely. And I am starting to get desperate. But I am not happy, when I look in the mirror I don't mind what I see. When I go out, I like how I look. When men talk to me, I don't mind being who I am. So why does the rest of the world mind me.. being me. I feel as if, if I ever want to be with someone, I have to become someone I am not. But .. that is not an option. I guess I don't know the difference between being happily single, and being happily open to dating. I don't really date.. I kinda.. text. lol. Chit Chat. I guess I don't really think I am worth it, so I put myself out there like I am just find by my damn self and the only thing you can ever do for me is.. well you know.. my mom might read this. I need a new attitude. But I have no idea how to get that attitude, everything around me.. pisses me the hell off! My job. My boss. My customers. My mom. My step dad.. hell my dog! never that.. Mo Rocca is an angel! If I could be me.. I would be the best me I could be. I would be smaller, happier, with a cool job, and crazy hair.. and i'd wear contatcts.. and I would have money for dinner and drinks on Saturdays. I would have new friends, reconquer old hobbies, learn some knew ones. Join a club. Smoke weed.. though I never have.. and I never wanted to try.. but if I wanted to I could. I want the Kayla back before her dad died. The Kayla back before she had sex. The Kayla back right after she figured out she was kinda funny in high school. The Kayla who truly doesn't give two damns of a fuck about what you are saying. The Kayla that Joseph took from me.. The Kayla that every man I ever loved got from me, why can't I love myself the way I love everyone else. I think I am offically on hyadis until I figure out everything I need to be who I want to be tomorrow. And when that day comes I will give that Kayla to the world.
