PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Lately I've been looking back through old pictures on Facebook. In particular, I've been spotting Emily, and seeing her face brings back a lot of memories. None of the memories are especially vivid anymore, and really, none of them cause me any pain. Her looks, her voice etc. are all kind of fading in my mind. Occasionally I can see her clearly or hear her laugh, but for the most part I think she's going for good.



It's nice to be able to see her without feeling as if I've swallowed a pin cushion. At this point we could probably even be friends if we wanted to. I know that it won't happen, nor is there any reason for it to. Megan wouldn't like that, haha. I don't even really miss Emily; she's just a good memory that's getting a bit hazy.



Liz drilled me the other day about my hours and my long-as-all-hell lunches. I know that she's right. Despite all of the bull shit I endure as her full-time sort-of assistant, she does deserve better than that. I've been trying to better about it lately, and I think she's happy. I've been feeling productive and actually happy to be here as well. I imagine it's just gratitude for the fact that I still have an income and can still manage to pay my bills. Things aren't so bad at all, really. Megan and I will be in the new house soon and we're both excited. On top of that, in a matter of two days: we'll be heading to Lake Erie! I truly cannot wait!



I was talking to Anna recently about the future. She's told me that she wants to focus on being a musician, because singing is something that she loves above all of her other hobbies. She said that she had to truly think about and consider her many options as to what she wants to do and which of her many interests should become something more than just an interest. I feel like I'm in a similar place, and it was comforting to hear that someone understands. I am a capable artist, a fair writer and a decent musician (if you count being a drummer, which you should). Over the past few years, I have considered each of these hobbies as something that I could take to serious levels. If only I could concentrate on one above the others. At this point in my life, I need to make a choice. Choosing to be an artist, a writer or a drummer would be a difficult process, but I have to convince myself that none of them are impossible and that none of them involve compromising. It's a promise to myself that I will live my dream of doing something creative for a living; something that I truly love. It's my only real goal, and it's just a bare-bones concept. I have to build around it.



What it comes down to, really, is what I enjoy most and what I'm best at. My abilities as an artist truly come and go: there are times when I am incredibly proud of something that I draw, and there other times when I'm not capable of getting a drawing right at all. I experience frequent artist's block and am prone to fits of extreme frustration and anger over a drawing that simply will not work in my head or on paper. But similar things can be said for my writing. It's been a long time since I've written a poem because nothing has come to mind that I feel is worth working on. Moments of inspiration are truly fleeting, but I never go too long without a good idea. If I truly sat down and tried, I know that I could write a great poem on queue. But am I good enough? Do I even know enough about it? I don't read poetry, nor do I research it. Would I even deserve to be published?



And then there's my drumming. I have a good sense of rhythm and have practiced enough to flow in most situations I'm presented with. I know how to sound good, and I know when to back off and calm down. I have little technical knowledge about drumsets and really, most of what I know is nameless self-taught techniques that I've heard from the music that I listen to. There's almost nothing that can be said of me when it comes to knowledge of musical theory: I know next to nothing about it. Drummers don't really have to, but it certainly helps. Am I good enough to be in a band? Yes, yes I am. Have I ever been in a band? Nope, not yet. Would I consider joining one or starting one? Fuck yeah, I would. I plan on doing something about that once we have our jam space all set up.



It's a tough question. Which of these should I pursue? The thought of pursuing any of them is honestly kind of frightening. I mean, the whole reason why I haven't tried harder to get any graphic design jobs is because my knowledge of graphic design has become limited to freeform Photoshop bull shit. I am talented, and my designs look damn good. But companies want a designer that is flexible and intelligent, and who truly knows the trade. Talent can only take me so far, and the same can be said for ANYTHING I choose to chase after. That thought holds me down, and stops me from really going after anything at all. I guess I should either try to educate myself further, or just go for the gold anyway.



I am certain that even without a bachelor's degree or whatever else an employer might want, that I could find myself a job based on my abilities. It's just a matter of zoning in, and figuring out what it is that I truly WANT to do. Nobody can figure that out for me, I have to do it myself.



But it's haaaaaaard.