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Musings
I find myself wondering how far things will go in my life. When will the next landmark occur, and when will I be able to consider myself a complete person once more?
In time, I hope that I'm able to settle into myself entirely. I want to be able to accept the way that I am and to really know that I am a good person who does good things with his time. For a majority of my life, I considered this peace of mind something could only be delivered by someone other than myself. But as more drama unfolds in my life and I'm forced to analyze things further, I realize that a sense of happiness and satisfaction must be brought forth from within.
Simply saying this isn't enough, I have to be able to experience it as I draw it out. I have to work for it, and I must believe that it will eventually will bloom forth. I've prayed for it, thought about it often and considered it to be something that was mostly out of my reach. But if I am unable to make myself happy, how can anyone else? I have seen myself as a miserable, irreparable person for many years now. I accepted my unhappiness willingly, and thought of it as a simple facet of my personality. As if God had engineered me to be unhappy no matter what life had dealt me. But in the midst of my darkest hour, the only person that was stopping me from simply laying down and giving up was... Me.
I am a stronger person than I have ever allowed myself to realize. I am able to do so much more than I have ever even bothered to try. For such a long time I have limited myself in every sense of the word, and it was all because I was so terrified of disappointing myself or those around me. I still am terrified, but it cannot be what stops me from growing up. No one is perfect, everyone has limits and all of us have and will come up short at different times in our lives. But I'm through allowing these thoughts to stop me from setting out and trying.
You can never place all of your faith in others. People are constantly coming and going, their presence resonating in every thing that we choose to be a part of. But we can never hope for them to take it upon themselves to make us happy or make us feel whole. Nothing should stop us from loving, from connecting or from truly feeling those people that we come into contact with, but we cannot rely on them to take responsibility for us. Doing so simply leaves you weak, vulnerable and unable to fend for yourself when you are forced to. And no matter what, at some point, everyone will be forced to fend for themselves.
But eventually, in life, every person will lower their defenses and put everything at stake. And it will be because they are in love.
And love will introduce you to a better part of yourself.
