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Differential Literary Hiatus
Maybe it's time for a break
My licks are all so dreary
These words just come out dark
I find no space to feel happy
Just pressure to pretend to be okay
Nobody's okay for long it seems
Or maybe it's just me
Everybody tells me it's me
And then they admit
That they're just cool with dealing with it
I don't want to tolerate
I just want to be
And be contentedly
And be
With somebody beside me
But it's selfish, I'm selfish
To drag somebody down
I haven't repaired myself
Nobody's going to do it for me
She can't, we can't,
Only I
But I haven't found the proper way
And there's much work to be done
So for now, maybe it's time
To just stop for a little while
All this does is help me dwell
On stupid love and my lonely ways
I'm bored and tired and trying to hang on
The urges are swarming and that's all there seems to be
For somebody so lost in their own head
It gives a destination, totally false
But at least it's somewhere to go.
So maybe I'll smoke
Maybe I'll drink
Step away from the keys
And not allow myself to think
Stop pretending to myself
That I can handle these things
These strings, these ways
These dreams I'm begging to stay with me
The hurt's barely there, more like an echo
A ghost that's more annoyance than haunt
It's there, it isn't
It cascades to the side
Shifting to obscurity
In the dead hallway leading to the bedrooms
While I listen to these sounds we've made
Put them on repeat
And be proud of the moments I've had to shine
To remember the girl that was mine
To whose lips I belonged, and belonged to me
She who would go on to demolish every bit of me
So that I could rebuild myself
Bigger, stronger, unstable like I was
Only this time around, I can keep my mouth shut
Let's get buff, let's get mighty
And pretend somebody gives a damn
An old co-worker, somebody forgotten
Propositioning at 3 am
I don't get the joke but I'll laugh just the same
And tell people the story to get the attention
To have eyes on me
Just for a little bit
Because I'm sad, I'm hurting, I'm lonely
Like always, there's something
It doesn't matter to me or you
Because I don't know you
You don't know me
You have no fucking clue what I'm talking about
You have absolutely no reason to care
I don't expect you to, I hope you don't
And I hope that I don't soon as well.
That's that, right?
There's not a lot to say
Nothing relevant at least
Irrelevance is besides the point
I should filter my thoughts
And filter my words
If I find them growing shoddy
I'll send them back to nowhere
I will not disgrace myself with blatancy
I will make up words and be fancy-like
And agree with the dictionary to their oddity
I will exist as a wandering shit storm
Like I have for years in my own little box
And I will bother no one
Unless their being paid to listen to it all
I will hit things with sticks
I will make noise that nobody cares about
And I will continue to pretend
That my total lack of certainty matters to anything
Or anybody
Anywhere
In this world
Beyond my own
That I have made
To calm me down
In the face
Of adversity.
Listen to the fills and act like they're so lovely
Splendor is lost in the sense that I was completely stoned
I can't even remember playing all this crazy hazard hash
I just vaguely remember leading the way
I was the drummer, they were so lost
And I didn't give a flying fuck
But they did their best to follow
Despite my never slowing down
These are my friends, these are my fellows
These are those who play beside me
These are those who stand beside me
What are we, boring? Fuck you and yours
We're normal and different than you and your arrangement
Go out and party, we'll hang out and play
We'll see you bi-weekly and talk about it all
And ask you to listen to a shitty demo we recorded, okay?
We'll disagree and break ourselves
Trying to think of how we could possibly make it work
But it's a jam that's meant to clash
And I'll listen to it all the same
This is where I am anyway, giving away my herbs
To some visions passing in a silver bullet
It's beyond my grasp but it's of no matter
They care about me, whether or not I believe
She does at least
It was something before
That doesn't last anymore
Not since a while back
And I have to accept that
As some sort of fact
As something neutral
As a friend without love
Without lust, without need
Just silly pleasantries
Nothing more than this
And nothing more than these
For that is all I could ever ask for
And all I shall receive
In the wait I have in store for me
I could use a friend to send a message to.
This is literary vomit, and I'm all right with that
It's almost passed anyway, the sickness
The illness here
The concoction of witchcraft and natural remedy
Medical expenses
The lifts
Give your benefits and deny my claim
Charge me for the bed
Listen to my shame
And laugh it off with your friends at dinner
I know not of what you say within your mind
Or what you say behind closed gates
But I trust something right, even if I'm wrong
And that's all I can do with these resources
I lack a foundation after it was torn away
I am under construction, brick by brick
I feel it all, mortar and such
The welding burns like a mother fucker
But that is, as is
Such is life, such is the world
Such is words like these
Spew or something like, within itself
Chunks of nothing in viscous shots
Visceral absurdity that we all must abide by
To unleash our inner lion, the one with the glasses
We have to accept our absolute faultlessness
We are imperfect, we can do no wrong
Because all wrong is natural
All wrong is taught
All wrong-doing is misguided
No mistake is intended
No misguidance is recommended
And nobody knows the fucking logic
You can summon death and ask him a question
And ramble on for ages
But all he has to do is touch your fucking shoulder
And you'll be sitting on his lap
Because that's the fruitlessness
The simple epitaph on our headstone
"We tried like hell but we fucked up"
And god damn it, it's so beautiful.
How does one wrap this up?
It's like being electrocuted while doing calculus
Actually it's probably nothing like that
But it sounded good, right?
