I couldn't always be normal according to society for I was diagnosed with mental illness and kept it secret for years till it somehow leaked out and exposed to the world, I'm stripped naked my guilt for all to see. I couldn't bear to be without you - but now, everything fell apart.


The day that you were forcibly taken away without even a proper goodbye through a blur of gut-wrenching screams and ghostly wails


I was dragged away still clutching at your hand until it slipped away like water, my only solace was wretched away from me, no comfort and peace of mind

Nowadays, I am not the same as I once was I died that day when my only child was "stolen" away


I am now a drifter; a ghost of my former self and one glance at me, my eyes are lifeless and void (as a zombie)

I sometimes hate the world and so called fucking society couldn't they see that I loved you (and still do) that I would never let anything bad happen couldn't they see that we were happy, couldn't they see that you were my heart and soul a piece; a half of me!

Life seems to be unfocused and has no meaning now that I lost you still, I move on and keep on being strong - solid and tough


Holding on to the dream that one day, that blessed day, when we will meet

Maybe it's just an illusion but I'm hoping it'll be real


I know it in my heart and in the bones, I feel

I dreamed that today was the day and finally, it came true you spent some time with me today even though it was little and few but I cherish and honor those few minutes because it is better than nothing at all


Although now, I see you less and less that one day I will never forget

I hope you can one day forgive me for not being in your life, the moments I missed


The firsts that a mother usually helps out with like dating, boys, female problems, gossip, life itself, and advice

I missed out on that and for that I humbly regret


I wonder how you coped and got on by?

I can only ponder and assume

You lived nearly half your life without the one thing that was essential - a mother.

I heard that you're happy - every mother's wish what she secretly wants her child to be


I know that you think the worse of me of the lies the world has feed you when you were small that I was an unfit mother, too crazy to function that I didn't really love you and could provide for the basic needs

All the bullshit and scandalous gossip that fills your mind every time a thought or image of me crosses your mind

I just want you to know - the truth from lies

If you can sift through the murky deep then you will find those long forgotten shifting memories of mine where I held you close to my heart and whisper sweet promises of a mother to a child


I did love you and I still do, I always will my precious child

Never let any doubts, lies, or bullshit deter you otherwise


 My child, don't you know that I think of you everyday and even though we're far apart you will forever be etched into my heart

The day that I was parted from you permanently left scars burned in my heart and mind

I'm a miserable wreck yet for your sake, just knowing that I have a child out there and my love for you that was - It is what keeps me going on the image of you and knowing that your happy - feeds my soul and makes days worth looking for.

Yes, I admit I'm not perfect o' "normal" but then again who is?

I admit that I'm full of faults and wired with mistakes

I hope that wherever you are, you are happy, warm, and safe from the harsh, cold, unforgiving world

May you forgive me, I love you my dear sweet one child of my body, flesh of my soul

If I die, just let the world know that I always cherished and kept you in my heart and mind

The young person cried as she read the farewell note scribbled in the neat manuscript was "I'm sorry".

The mother chose the ultimate sacrifice - assisted suicide - because life was too much and that she was suffering from immense physical pain. An unknown cocktail of illness and fatal disease was what she endured and finding no other healing methods; she took the final taboo of suicide by a physician's hand - she had no regrets and wanted no revival should the procedure fail

The doctor said that as she lay dying, she was silently crying; the tears of peace overflowed and spilled down her cheeks, the slow beating heart with one whisper she said her child's name.


Yes, even though on her dying day, her last thought - one breath was only of you.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Based on the true story of my mother's fatal choice

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