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In This Place (Footsteps)
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Poems I can't explain it to you. You will never know what I mean. Morgan knows because she was there. And she knows me better then anyone on this earth. She remembers all the pain...She still lives in all the pain...I wish she could be released.
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Starting with a flaw of mine, I would get scared. Anticipating My Mother's terrorist rampage, I would become paraniod of every move I made, every move she made. I would sit in my room, at the window. Waiting and waiting for what seemed a million life times. Smoking my ciggarette. My favorite past time. Morgan and I would hide our stash, and then pretend to become saints. And all I would hear were her god damn footsteps...The rhythm of her footsteps. Constant and never changing. With this sound, I would become numb again. She would climb to tell us what she thought of us. I needed to be released. But no matter what, I didn't care. I still had Morgan. No matter what, Morgan went through it too, and I wouldn't feel alone.
Mother would rant and rage about her hate towards me. How she thought I was satan and that she wanted me gone. Wanted me dead? I'm sure of it. Fighting tears and fighting fears I felt like a sheild. Block that negativity and release it from my soul. I needed to be released. All I could do is stare. A prisoner in my so called "home". Litterally a prisoner, with dead bolt locks on the doors. I didn't deserve freedom apparetly. Although I had abused my freedom before, I still didn't need to be caged. An angry animal in need to rome. I needed to be released.
Even in the sunshine state, It feels like darkness. It will never go away. Even when she dies it will still live on. Why must my memory be so vivid? Why can I still hear her footsteps? All the drugs wont cover it up and I don't know what to do. I want to die because of this and nothing will make it stop. Nothing you can do will stop me from feeling pangs of shit. I am destined to misery. Destined to starve for the desired affection I've always longed for from my mother. I was made to stay in this place, for the rest of eternity. I wish she would love me. I wish I had done her no harm. But though I feel regret at times, I still feel that I'm right. To admit her right would to kill a part of me. I would betray the old Erin and I have done that too much lately. I am right and she is wrong. But in this place is where I'll stay, regardless of forgiveness. And forever I will hear her footsteps walking through my head.
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"In this place it feels like such a shame. Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same. Everywhere I look, you're all I see. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I use to be."-NIN
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It's been so long since I felt this. I've been gone for so long. But I can still feel the pain. I still feel anxiaty. I still know that felling. I still can hear her footsteps. It's etched in my memory for the rest of time and it drives me crazy. It keeps me in this place.
