PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

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editor SNS

additions:

*353  She is once again playing musical chairs

... rearranging weeds

*354 If the federal, state and local governments withheld

their buying power from GM cars and trucks, the plants

closed in the US would be resurrected.

 

 

*1
(Re seafood)  I don't eat anything that swims in its own toilet.
*2
The justices say they want justice for all. But they really want 'justice for just us'.
*3
The moon is not full 1 day a year, but every day..  Earthlings can't see her wholeness.
*4
She said she had an hourglass figure. It was more like a whole month.
*5
For the Republican Party Trump is like a man who had a bad drunk the night before. He wakes up next to someone in bed and thinks "Oh no".
*6
The way utilities mutilate trees...is like cutting the head, an arm and a leg off of a human being.
*7
I told the Amish horses that no matter how much manure they dropped on the asphalt they wouldn't fertilize it.
*9
I rode a horse as a kid. He went where he wanted to. Others aid  "Kick him, Kick him!"  "No", I said,
"he's bigger than me".
*10
Hanging out in the train yards one could always tell the experienced brakemen
They were the ones missing 1 or more fingers.
*11
Our parents had 4 boys. My mother would take us to the supermarket. We weren't allowed in the
candy aisle. We'd carry the bags in.. she'd empty them. I was in charge of canned goods,
K of the frig, and P of the pantry.
*12
When my father came home from a long day of work, we were his tv remote controls, popping up when he
wanted a channel changed.
*13
My grandmother would take one bean at a time and squeeze it in a piece of twine with a loose knot. I asked why.
"I'm squeezing the farts out of it" she said.
*14
The turkey's wishbone does not grant his own wishes *
*15
Our drill sergeant called us 'whale shit' because, he said, we were the lowest thing on earth.
*16
I went into that particular restaurant which featured a tank of live lobsters. You were supposed to look into their eyes and pick which of the lobsters was to be offed just for you.
*17
If you continue to feed dumpster doughnuts to the birds, besides being high on sugar speed, they might want to drive around in police patrol cars.
*18
I asked a technician at an Ohio animal research lab where the animals were taken
when they were finished with them. He pointed to the chimney of the
incincerator and said 'they leave in smoke form'.
*19
Filling out an application, I saw boxes for African American, Native American, Amerasian, and Caucasian.  Why Caucasian and not EuroAmerican?
*20
I will be a forensic pathologist and investigate the cause of death of these fast food chickens
*21
When a dog's nose is rubbed in his waste, does he know why he's being punished?
*22
Late January: Time for them to remove their arboreal Christmas sacrifice.
*23
Re insurance ads on tv: "We are now accepting applications which will allow you to give us your money."
*24
Re cable tv company ads: Try us now. What other choice do you have?
*25
One storage unit company's ad says 'We treat your stuff as if it were our stuff'. And it would be if you missed a single payment.
*26
Imagine you are Stephen King's son and he comes in at night to say he wants to read you a bedtime story.
*27
Re cans of tomato paste, I recommend a can opener for both ends, and using a lid to shove all the contents onto a plate.
*28
I won't criticize her... though she's ilcookerate.
*29
George Carlin said that if Jesus had come in the 50's, people would wear miniature electric chairs around their necks.
*30
If Ray Charles had been wealthy and white, he might have received the health care necessary to prevent his blindness
*31
So Ben Franklin said 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'.  Yes, if you throw it at him.
*32
There are alcoholics and chocoholics ... and Catholic cataholics.
*33
Almond milk is more plentiful now. But how do people sit on tiny stools to milk the almonds?
*34
Matter has consciousness. What has no consciousness doesn't matter.
*35
Seatbelts are required for human children. They should be required for pets too so that they aren't jettisoned from cars.
*36
In the freezing weather, crows with their claws can perch in the trees, but seagulls have webbed feet.
*37
He asked why it is that no matter what shape the bubble blower, the bubbles are round? Because the air pressure inside pushes equally in all directions.
*38
It's fine to feed the birds, but don't invite them into the car for their meals.
*39
Growing green peas..... green peace.
*40
Vegans avoid rhyming abalone with balogna.
*41
I was asked what crime the man in the movie had committed as he was chased by cops. "Bad acting".
*42
Hermaphroditic earthworms with 1 end female and the other male can screw themselves. And then they can connect their two ends and roll away.
*43
There were stories in the news of recruiters enticing the young into military service through video game places.  Did they want infants in the infantry?
*44
In a Catholic religion class I made the mistake of repeating my father's comment that nuns were sexually frustrated penguins. I was made to go to the rear of the classroom, kneel on pencils and stretch my arms out each holding a Bible.
*45
I call her Impatia
*46
It's hard to catch enough angels to make an angel food cake.
*47
I'm an oxymoron. I'm serious about cartoons.
*48
If a rabbit's foot is considered good luck, how come the hunted rabbit with 4 feet is now dead?
*49
I bought her a birthday card which said:  no trees were killed for this card...... but hundreds of bushes were savagely clubbed.
*50
Should one address proctologists as Your Royal Assholiness
*51
As boys, we went down that dam's waterfall,  the moss making a slippery slide
*52
If there are blood diamonds, there is also blood lumber.
*53
People say "I'm not the one who killed the animal. I just want to eat the meat."
*54
Villainize no one.
*55
After first freezing the living lobster and then boiling him, the tv cook tore off the lobster's claws
as casually as if she were pulling bread from a French loaf.
*56
The Veterans Administration motto may be 'vets should be seen and not heard'
*57
Some are afraid after death to go into the light, falsely fearing oblivion.
*58
The Veterans Administration makes vets applying for assistance feel as if they are tryinig to borrow money from their drill sergeants
*59
Don't mourn if you are attacked in an internet video game. It's just a mix of pixels.
*60
She rescues pine cones as if they are stray dogs.
*61
Omnivore crap seems to smell worse than that of herbivores.
*62
(Dr Richard Schwartz writes that no meat is kosher because it is impossible to remove all blood from the small arterioles.)  If all blood were removed from meat it would be white not red.
*63  
She asked the male word for whore.... the answer is 'man'.
*64
I looked eagerly through the cereal box for my Terry and the Pirates secret decoder ring
*65  
I tossed the grapes at her one by one, telling her they were the grapes of wrath.
*66
In Vietnam it was said the black man fought the yellow man for the white man.
*67
Join the army. Travel. Meet new  people.... and then kill them.
*68  
Children in large families say the faster you eat the more food you get. Therefore is fasting gluttony?
*69  
They were jumping around in the gym to get 6 pack abs. I prefer the keg I've made.
*70  
Do you ever see cats running in packs?
*71
She accused me of being a ventriloquist of farts, projecting them toward her to give her ownership of them.
*72    
A. asked JC if they were removing the bark from the trees in the park. He pointed 50 feet up and said
 "I doubt they're climbing that high to debark those slender branches."
*73  
asked JC if he thought the ditch were made by excavation or excess water. He said it was excess water which removed the dirt but left the tree roots.
*74
Farmers say grass is a useless crop. People pour chemicals on it to make it grow faster and then they chop it off.
*75
Why is it a pair of pants and a single shirt. There are 2 sleeves in a shirt.
*76
They were collecting semen from the male animal to impregnate the female.  It's so hard to get them to jerk off in a cup, especially since they don't have hands.
*77
Please don't fricassee the little chickadee
*78
That ladybug had no markings... a spotless virgin
*79
Some diseases don't manifest for decades, yet different states' 'tort reform' requires filing within a year in many cases.
*80  
The wind above the clouds moves faster while the wind below them moves more slowly. That is a factor in their shape.
*81
The truth is that they will endlessly repeat their ads until they finally sell all their crap.
*82
Aunt Arctica and Uncle Arctica are connected.
*83
This tiger can't change his carnivore stripes.
*84
In France do they eat the tiny ortolan songbird... to sing like him?
*85
They call gendered frogs 'it' because they're no longer alive and you can't hurt their feelings.
*86
A higher love   Ohio love
*87  
My pet is a pain in the ass. I'm going to start calling her hemarroidia
*88
 I'm not sleeping... it's only a long blink
*89  
Colas, pop, sodas:  devil juice
*90
 Greenpeace goes to the South Pole and is depressed by whale murder. Then they go to the North Pole and are depressed once again.  Bipolar depression
*91
 Once upon a time, a pawn of time
*92
When a snail loses his shell he's just a slug.
*93
I'm not gonna miss you coz my aim is getting better
*94
My father used to say "Pedestrians have the right of way.  Don't let your car take that right away"
*95
It's called the White House though it was built by black slaves
*96
Oh what is a snail without his shell.... but a slug
*97
Some are activists and some are inactivists.
*98
Some have teddy bears. Others have teddy rabbits.
*99  
That mathematician does everything not by the book but by the numbers.
*100
If a pit bull is violent, look to the human 'owner'.
*101  
Raccoons were born with masks because they're thieves
*102
I haven't yet been given an epiphany about bug rights
*103  
When is someone loyal and when is he a lapdog or lackey?
*104
 First Britain, France, Belgium, Portugal, Spain, Italy invaded Africa. Now Africa is invading Europe.
*105
The raccoons decided that evening to eat at Chez Dumpster
*106
It was a syrupy sappy movie which could make even a bee vomit.
*107
We are whom we eat.  Because he eats vegetarian cows, is he also a vegetarian?
*108  
When we were little, my brother K said "Are you going to pay me back the dollar?" I replied "it's on account".  K said 'What's that?" I replied "On account of I'm not going to pay you."
*109  
It's ironic that drugs called antidepressants often cause suicide and homicide
*110
I asked my dad re a neighborhood kid's arrest why anyone would get in trouble for salt on a battery.
*111
Why are they hurricanes in the Atlantic and typhoons in the Pacific?
*112
I prefer wellbreaded to wellbred
*113
He was like someone who buys a Lamborghini and can't pay the insurance so it sits in the driveway
*114  
My father looked at the smashed bug on our windshield and said "I guess he won't have the guts to do that again"
*115  
They have cage free eggs, but the chickens are confined.
*116
Unlike mice, plants don't run away from vegetarian cats.
*117
On beloved Donkey Hoti, rode in Don Quixote
*118  
Animal killing... a karmageddon
*119  
That's Mount Olive cemetery... where the olives are buried before they're resurrected as olive trees
*120  
Is there a joanquil for every jonquil?
*121
Her cooking gets F for effort.
*122
Gray clouds are lower because they carry more water
*123  
It's very difficult to perform a phlebotomy..  because of the tiny brains of the fleas
*124
Since pine cones came before Buddhist temples, one should say the latter resemble the former rather than the other way around.
*125
a bag of potatoes open on the table... a small one drops out
and hits a little mouse on the floor on the head... temporary vegetable overdose
*126
I will empty all the liquid in my glass, lest it should become a death trap for a random fruit fly.
*127
Do 2 pecks equal 1 kiss?

*128 She'll have the gently clubbed lobster

*129 My father said that couple was in iron and steel. She irons and he steals.

*130 I go the library to work on the computer, because if I I bought one for home, I'd be a smoking fiend.

*131 Maybe it's not just innocent animals who are murdered and eaten. Maybe some are guilty.

*132  They asked if I wanted navy beans with my dinner. But I'm an army man.

*133  Those who walked into the back of that pizza store saw a vat of cheese wtih forest green mold... and new tree like mold spores

*134  Those deer did not pay attention in school. They're not crossing at the deer crossing signs.

*135  My mother said my birth was not occidental but on purpose.

*136  If Deepak Chopra married Oprah Winfrey, she'd be Oprah Chopra

*137  Her motto is 'never leave home without everything'

*138  The cat is a part of Neighborhood Watch.  If she sees a burgler leave a house, she watches.

*139  Fog is a grounded cloud.

*140  I get enough exercise.... Each day I jump to conclusions

*141  He's board certified... pretty bad that you have to be certified to be bored

*142 Dad said "Don't be a smart ass".  He wanted me to be a dumb ass.

*143 I'll pass on the story of an incident ....a lady plagued by an itch in her nether regions went to her woman gynecologist... who told her she had crabs. The lady replied "Oh I'm so glad I got them before they grew up."

*144  The fog follows the river.  When it is frozen it condenses on objects with which it comes into contact.

*145 My grandfather said that rich people had a canopy over their beds and a can a pea under their beds.

*146 He must be a government tool, he drones on so.

*147 I told Grandpa his top of the head bald spot looked like an egg in a bird's nest. He told me his head was growing too fast for his hair.

*148 She finally finished her sudoko puzzle. There's a little more light on earth now.

*149 With those ears he looks like a two-handled teapot.

*150 He has the right to remain silent now because he is dead

*151 I didn't stay with that woman. Sex takes a quarter hour. There are 23 and 3/4 hours more in each day.

*152 Border guards are assigned to keep fruit flies out of the US

*153 Each night after leaving his government job in Foggy Bottom  he returned home to help his wife with baby's soggy bottom.

*154 Arthur Fiedler on the Roof

*155 In countries with draconian drug laws,  one can be stoned for getting stoned.

*156 He was a pedophile carnivore, eating only baby calves and lambs and piglets.

*157 I don't care for tea. I'm a teetotaler.

*158  He was from a remote and mountainous region.  He wanted to study his incestry.

*159 The first snowfall is an alien life form, albino brain chiggers, sucking the brain
out of all the drivers who've forgotten how to drive on snow

*160 If fasters eat nothing, do slowers eat a lot?

*161 Because heated air rises, if you are around someone who farts a lot, dive to the floor

*162  Did the sculptor of the Sphinx give her a sphincter?

*163 There was a horse named Hoof Hearted... people laughed when they heard Who Farted

*164  Tornados made that Wednesday a Windsday.

*165 Are the tress jealous that we are bipedal, that we have mobility

*166 When have you ever seen a lock on an outhouse door?

*167 They want to build a wall between the US and Mexico, and then spread a mosquito net over all of Mexico.

*168 I was told that there is a preacher who thinks dinosaurs were on the ark. I know they came over on the Mayflower. They were called Puritans.

*169 When we in the military were force marched to get flu shots, I always got sick from them. I never got one voluntarily, and those years I never otherwise got sick.

*170 My father commented that Louisiana had swamps but New Jersey had meadowlands.

*171 She would inflict her opinions only on strangers.

*172 Abe called and she replied "Maybe, Abie baby".

*173 God has joined us together. Let no man put us under.

*174  Hurtful speech is like letting the magic smoke out of the bottle. It's very difficult to put it back in.

*175  Chills are sometimes called goose bumps because each time a feather was yanked out of a goose a bump was left.

*176 The best place to look for lost dentures is in the owner's mouth

*177 Our government founders decided on separation of church and state, but not separation of church and business.

*178 Kuala Lumpur .... isn't that an Australian bear with mumps?

*179  In elementary school, I was given 6 pages of single lined paper and told to write on each line:
 "I am not here to amuse my classmates."

*180 When someone is too drunk to find the floor, his friend gravity will help.

*182 When I'm hungry my cells become a salivation army.

*183 That day I was up the fecal estuary without a propulsion device.

*184 What is a Brussel sprout when he grows up?

*185 Sad are cat traps and pop cans sometimes become gnat traps

*186 In fast food outlets is much mastication of animals

*187 No matter how much his grandmother cooked, she could not remove the gray from the  calf's brains.

*188  She said 'never fry potatoes naked'  but my potatoes are always fully dressed

*189 She mentally performs last rites when she sees someone about to eat an animal

*190 Eating raw oysters is like swallowing your mucus,  mixed with sand.

*191  Cyranose  (watching David Hyde Pierce play a costume party role)

*192 Getting to gnaw you. Getting to gnaw all about you.

*193 I miss my Mitsubishi. I called her Mitzie.

*194 My father said that 2 wrongs don't make a right but that 3 right turns make one left turn.

*195 His campaign manager was B. L. Zebub

*196 Our cat has scratched the catscratcher to death

*197 She's not superstitious, just stitious.

*198 At that Texas military base, we wore flea collars around our ankles,  with our pants tucked into our boots, to keep out the chiggers.

*199 My father saw a dog chasing a car. "What's he going to do if he catches it?  drive it? eat it? screw it? piss on it?"

*200 The sign in West Virginia says 'almost heaven'..  on the road to Ohio

*201  Freggies... shorter to say than fruits and vegetables.

*202  The jellyfish and the peanut butter fish got together.

*203  In the carnivorium there is much flatulitis.

*204  I love my abs. That's why I insulate them so well.

*205  Massatwoshits  (editor:  I dedicate this to vivisectors at Harvard and Tufts)

*206 Come, Mr Rabbit, let me take your coat for you, said the defurrier. We have a wonderful new title for you, Hasenpfeffer  And Mr. Duck,  it will be warm where we're going. You won't need your feathers. And your new title is D L'Orange.

*207 She asked if I was trying to give her a heart attack with my driving. I told her no... it was just a perk

*208  If maple tree seeds are so valuable, why does the tree throw them away?

*209  Do I believe in capital punishment?  I think all politicians in the Capitol should be punished.

*210 When a car coming from the opposite direction crossed the yellow line, my dad would say 'you are entitled to half the road but not the middle half'.

*211  Reagan was the unionbuster of the air controllers and so politicians named an airport after him.

*212  She asked why the stupidity of women drivers bothers me more than men's.  Stupid male drivers are just getting in touch with their feminine side.

*213  Bostonian vowels A E I R U

*214  They've devised a way to eliminate future terrorists.... bomb all children

*215 To avoid libel, don't assign blame by giving a name

*216 There's Satan Claus mowing and mutilating plants with his Satan claws.

*217 In Germany in the small towns stork nests on top of churches and other buildings are protected as a sign of good luck.

*218 Why would anyone name a fruit 'kumquat'?

*219 Magnificat..... magnificent cat

*220 The Yankee pitcher hurt his hand. Maybe the pitching coach can kiss the booboo

*221 Don't worry about the roadkill. The little creature's soul has already risen.

*222 His father abused him. Seeing him hug a chicken his father said "don't play with your food."

*223 If Fidel had become a great baseball player, perhaps Cuba would still be a playground for the idle rich

*224 He piled his plate with only pig and chicken flesh and then stated he was an omnivore because he ate more than 1 animal species

*225 I prefer Italians undressing to Italian dressing

*226 My father would take us to a restaurant and buy 6 orders of fries.. 1 for each of his 4 boys, 1 for himself, and 1 for the birds

*227  Fah Quew was an ancient Chinese mystic who disappeared for a few years, and every now and then people catch a glimpse of him in a crowd. When they do, they yell out "Hey Fah Quew!!!"

*228 The PBS cooking chef after dropping the frozen alive lobster into boiling water let him be cooked, took him out, and proceeded to tear off his claws 'as casually as if she were tearing off pieces of a loaf of French bread

*229  She drives so slowly bugs get behind her car and push.

*230 (Asked how he could go without food, drink or sleep for over 42 hours) I make my body adapt to what I need to do.

*231 A ticktockectomy .... when embodied souls transcend time.

*232 I've tried to turn the other cheek.... I'm running out of cheeks to turn

*233 Flatulence should not have texture.

*234 She's outside trying to give the snow back to the sky

*235 She said she thought the melting snowdrops followed the line of the windshield wipers because the wipers had made a tiny crease in the glass. I thought it was wet following wet and resisting the dry area the wipers had cleaned.

*236 If you buy the ham, you get the trichinella worms at no cost

 *237 What causes pond mist or lake fog...? the flatulence of frogs.

*238 The Ohio Republican state legislature passed and the governor signed into law a bill forbidding any Ohio city from raising the minimum wage, followed by the legislature's raising the minimum wage 5 cents.  Thank you Massa.

*239 The ad was for 'pest management'. It's hard to manage pests (like herding cats)

*240 I've seen an over 200 car train with 6 engines in front, 4 engines in the middle and 3 in the back.

*241 Why doesn't that pastor spend money helping the poor rather than on a stadium sized church?

*242 Four wheel drive doesn't mean four wheel brakes.

*243 Republicans won't provide $ for contraceptives for Americans, but their own taxpayer funded insurance gives them $ for Viagra.

*244  High winds today were attacking the leaves.

*245 No tears of murdered baby animals are present in this food.

*246 Melania wanted to stay in New York. She didn't sign up with Donald to live in publicly funded housing.

*247 Oh savage fluffy bunny, why do you ravage my entrails with your talons, your claws?

*248 Slaughterhouses are disasembly plants.

*249 Kryptonite is made from unobtainium.

*250  Canadian geese, damn foreigners.

*251 What was she doing in that disgusting perfume?  The back stroke

*252 I'm having animal rights a roni

*253 As cluttered as her room is, no wonder she lost 3 pounds

*254 As a little boy, I put one end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet drain and flushed the toilet to watch it roll.

*255 My dad said if Fed Ex merged with UPS it would be FED UPS

*256 What is the sound of one hand clapping?  whooooshshshshsh!!

*257 If you want to know what a factory farm is like, stick your head into an outhouse, into the liquid below, and then breathe deeply

*258 In dogfighting 'rape benches' are used. Female dogs are tied down so that they cannot resist the rape by the male.

*259 The Christian pastor owned WBNX has sex commercials in the evening.  It is also interesting to see WUAB air a sex commercial followed by one for Joel O'Steen.

*260  One practices Tai Chi while another on the railroad platform calls out Chai, tea

*261  I'm a vegan. It's my tapeworm who's a carnivore.

*262 If he loses his sight, he has no sight with which to find it.  (Avoid alcohol)

*263 She baked coffee beans... now they'll never have a chance
   to become coffee tree plants  

*264 I try not to think It hurts too much
*265 An animal rescue vehicle... a bambilance

*266 I took Home Economics in high school because we could eat what we made.

*267 They ovver you pennies to be their drug company guinea pigs. They don't care if the drug company kills you. You can't
spend the money anyway

*268 Have I seen this movie before? I'm on befive right now.

*269 Overweight people often have back problems, and front problems

*270 My father told us that the family tree of incestuous ancestors looks like a broomstick

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*272 Butterflies are not actually made out of butter

*273  The act of fasting is slowing.

*274 Whenever he found a chicken leg in which the chicken's leg had been broken, he thought about the slaughterhouse.

*275  An innocent bug flutters toward a window fan. The shredding is as bad as any wood chipper's.

*276 That tickles my punny bone

*277 He feels guilty that he's innocent

*278 This meal is a celebration of my confirmation. I'm confirming that I love this food.

*279 In my Man's Manual of Driving anyone driving faster than me is an idiot. Anyone driving slower than me is moronic.

*280  Cemeteries for trillions of chickens are called landfills

*281 The poison ivy does not know that it is causing harm

*282 He awoke at the crack of noon

*283 They said in the army 'it's better to be pissed off than pissed on'

*284 They don't eat chickens' lips or beaks or feathers or feet

*285 I generate ecstatic electricity

*286 Woe is me. The inflating device for my blowup doll is broken.

*287 "There is no I in the word team" said the CEO to his subordinates as he thought to himself  .. 'there are an M and an E".

*288  My grandfather always put kidneys into a pot. He said he had to boil the piss out of them.  (Uric acid in kidneys and meat causes arthritis, artery plaque, and in some cases heart attacks)

*289 That bunny has just made for you some chlorophyll enriched little green pills

*290 When we were boys I told my brother the only way our dog Cindy would play with him was if I tied a dog biscuit around his neck

*291 Psychic hotline $1 a minute call 1 800 SUCKER

292 My grandfather said four poster beds were for lazy rich people, with a
canopy over the bed and a can o pee under the bed

293  The airline would not allow her small piglet emotional support animal. The steward

said they did not have BLT's.

*294 The immigration policies of several countries remind one of the dark joke...

"Why don't refugees take showers?  Because they wash up on the shore".

* 295 Miracles turn lepers into leapers

*296 Asian restaurants sometimes serve cage free kitties, seagulls etc.

*297 Cage free eggs means containers to keep eggs from running or rolling away

*298 He used to tease his brother, saying that if his head were shaven it would reveal the number 665, indicating that he was only a 2nd rate devil

*299 It was a slugfest.  Each slug was feasting on pretzels, withut salt of course.

*300 She's a psychic medium. I'm an extra large

*301  I'm a vegan, but my tapeworm is a carnivore.

*302  Before the dodo was extinct, he was tinct

*303 i told her I don't want to leave.. I don't even like to change my socks

*304 Father forgive them for they do not what they know

*305 K and I pooled our money and had enough for 1 can of pop.. I told him he could
have the outside and I'd take the inside

*306 Better than incandescent or fluorescent tube lights are LED ones, just as bright but never hot enough to harm a bug.

*307 My lips keep my mouth from fraying around the edges

*308 He shot the button buck (a deer so young his antlers look like buttons on his skull) who had milk still dribbling from his chin and spots on his skin, as if he had gone to a petting zoo and shot the first fawn he saw.

*309 A radio ad for a leather repair shop..... cow resurrection?

*310 monarch butterflies leave Mexican trees... like falling leaves

*311 The carnivore sees little piglets as bacon seeds

*312 Why do we have to wait 5 minutes for coffee? Do they have to slaughter the beans?

*313 Growing Russian influence in the US. Look at  Put In Bay island in Lake Erie

*314  I am a poet and don't know a tree

*315  Jack Russell is a terrierist

*316 They want to chop the turkey's head off while he is still alive. For a while the
heart will still pump out blood, reducing some of their work in emptying the body of
blood.

*317 My carnivorous tapeworm would not be so lonely if he had a sushi liver fluke to keep him company

*318 My father said I was a sexual intellectual, in other words a f*cking know it  all

*319 I'm new kind of animal.... a 5 toed sloth

*320 How do sloths make love? very slowly

*321 I don't have Allzheimer's. I have half zheimer's.

*322 Make up your mind. Am I a smart ass or a dumbass. I can't be both

*323 Don't worry. No pheasants were harmed in making the chicken

*324 She has friends named Prostov, Rossoff, and Rostov. My friend is Dropoff.

*325  Cyranose  (watching David Hyde Pierce play a costume party role)

*326  I like vegans..... slightly breaded and thoroughly cooked

*327 While he was dropping acid he had a nightmare that he was dropped in acid.

*328 No dinosaurs were harmed in making the dinosaur movie.

*329 Some eat seafood  Some eat airfood (birds)

*330 We were just disgusting you

*331  I left my heart.. in San Francisco.. along with my wallet.

*332 It's a violation of my principles as a carnivore to buy fruits and vegetables for others.

*333 She told me she'd be happy when the sun went out of cancer.. so that she could stop eating..

What she was saying was that the sun made her eat like a pig

*334  Flashing a blind person is an act of mopery.

*335 told that Mookie Betts was feeding the homeless, J E C J replied 'to whom'
*336 Two of my friends drank the Trump Kool Aid

*337 If one is speaking of not ancestry but incestry, the family tree looks like a stick

*338 He's a wildegentleman not a wildebeast

*339 The man didn't want intestinal cancer, didn't want a colostomy to give him a semicolon.

 

 

*340 bone marrow marinating (is a cause of cancer)

 

 

*341 Those called evil are often misunderstood

 

*342 A sailboat needs no key

 

*343 He died of homicitis

 

*344  VP Pence when governor of Indiana signed into law a bill which violated the Bill of Rights, allowing restaurant owners to refuse to serve gays. He would have served them, but he doesn't know how to cook them.

 

*345 They say Mad Cow is everywhere but I think it would be kinder to call her an unhappy cow.

 

*346 I had my younger brothers convinced that brown cows give chocolate milk and white cows give vanilla milk.

 

*347 I asked my father to get us a color tv. He replied that we had one with 2 colors: black and white. I responded that if we got a color tv we'd get a remote control. He said he had 4 remotes, his sons.

 

*348 The world is undimmed because it is not undem'd

 

*349 Baby calves sauteed in their tears

 

*350  Flashing a blind person is an act of mopery

*351 I'm not an agnostic but a diagnostic.

*352  What does one call a small black op? A gray op?

 

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http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/17000000/Stock-Marine-stock-17004576-1280-800.jpg
http://theirturn.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/lobster-cartoon.jpg
http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2012/06/earthworms-are-hermaphrodites/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/26/amish-horse-shot_n_4342986.html
http://www.vindy.com/news/2014/dec/09/amish-buggy-horse-killed-after-series-crashes/
http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7524/15679238678_fae4095fc1_m.jpg
  http://thedailynews.cc/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/loc-0320-amish-buggy-crash-e1426790369130.jpg
http://gallery.yopriceville.com/

https://www.eater.com/2015/3/26/8296615/indiana-law-religious-freedom-gay-lesbian-mike-pence

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