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I don't know where I want to be,

I have no idea.

I used to know what it was I wanted to do in life.

But that,

Is no longer an option.

I feel lost and adrift in the land of employment,

not sure where I want to go.

Anger and Depression,

my constant companions.

They walk with me day to day

Most of the time quietly standing behind me

Other days

They pull me along through the day
My vision clouded by their view of things
Told to make my vacation my vocation

I look to my hobbies

But alas no refuge is gound

No job do they provide.

Alone,

That is how I feel when depression leads me

I see only the happiness in others.

I see happy couples in love.

But me a man almost 33

I see none.

I feel a fear that this is my existence.

And that is not my main goal in life.

Never have I felt affection returned from a partner

Neve.

That is a long hard way to live.

Angry,

That is how I am when my anger leads me.

I see the world in shades of red.

I want to destroy all that does not go my way.

I want to beat down all who disobey me.

I know that it is not what I should do.

I know that it is not how I should handle my anger.

I do my best butsome days my anger is too strong.

I am a sword with not sheath.

I write these down in an effort to some

How understand my feelings towards this.

I am not sure what good it will do.

Some I hope.

I do have hope for my future,

For my job.

That I will find something that I want to do.

Or at least something that I can live with.

For my partner in life.

I have jhope that someday she will come.

That someday she will walk into my life

And I will finally know what it  is like to receive

Affection, some day.

When these will happen i know not,

My hope wavers from day to dya.

My hope may get beat down and snuffed out.

But hope is a phoenix,

It rises again from the ashes.

It is up to me to learn from my past.

To decide for myself to move forward

Or remain at a standstill.

DO I look at all that has happened to me in my life.

And accept it as good or bad?

NO.

But as just events in my past.

Milestones in the continuing journey that is me.

Anger used to cloud my  judgment of things in my past.

I used to be so angry at people whom I felt wronged me.

I did not consider that myabe I had learned all I needed.

So from this point of clarity I see things differently.

I see things not through the lens of Anger of Depression.

I see with only my own eyes.

I see things as neither good nor bad.

But as simply sign posts along my path.

They have all been pointing me to something.

I know not what they point to.

I hope with all my heart that it is my one main goal.

But now I know that I can either fight and kick.

Or observe the things around me and enhoy the walk.

My anger usually pulled me along quickly

But the damage it caused made me take more time to

either repair or replace what I damaged.

My depression caused me to not move at all.

I just sat there stationary.

Sometims dwelling on the past walking backwards.

I am not saying I will not falter

or gat angry or depressed any more.

I will

I will occasionally get angry and want to destroy.

And just might, who knows.

I may get depressed and dwell on the past.

I may take too long and take a step backwards.

But I know that what does not help is berating

myself for doing so.

Getting angry for being angry or depressed

Is quite silly in the grand scheme of things.

Either way my point in all this,

was to try to

understand a big portion of myself,

Of my motivations.

To try to glimpse my future.

That seemed important to me.

That I needed to get  to my goal.

As quickly as I could.

I have been shown the light,

Not at the end of the tunnel,

But the light that exists within me,

That light is the same light of the Divines.

My soul shines that same light.

Whether you belive in a soul or not,

Striving to become in harmony with yourself

Is truly a noble goal.