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Conditional Compersion
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DaddyO's BDSM by DaddyO
A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.
Before I start, please note, this is not a treatise on the correct way to show compersion. In fact, it quite possibly explains the wrong way of going about it. I understand compersion in its truest form would be unconditional, without expectations or limits (or at least should have agreed upon expectations and limits) in order for it to work smoothest.
I have found in past relationships compersion came extremely natural when I witnessed or heard about her other partner(s) doing things with her I don't do well or don't enjoy doing: rope bondage, single-tail whips, feminine energy, or needles, for instance.
But my insecurities stuck out like a sore thumb when a new play partner wanted to do things with her I held sacred between us: Daddy/babygirl, leading her in a gang bang; having her cum for me; stuff I felt I was able to provide in an unparalleled capacity. Quite presumptuous of me, I know, but I am simply being honest for the sake of this discussion.
The way I could most easily deal with my lack of compersive feelings in these matters was to be the one "in charge" of her during her liaisons with other lovers. But most women I have encountered do not like this sort of control placed upon them. In fact, they tend to rebel against it!
And it isn't fair to other partners, that her full arsenal of emotions and feelings would be stifled by my insecurities.
Or is it?
If my goal is to feel special, is it unfair of me to express the way I would most feel special?
Control was easy when it came to her getting fucked by men with more stamina or size- I simply would lead her in a gang bang where I was the one providing the pleasure, albeit with another man's cock, but that didn't matter.
But control was absent when play partners were outside of my influence. I actually enjoy setting up play scenes for ones I love. I even can get behind her enthusiasm to want to play with someone else providing I can have some sort of say in the matter.
That honor has yet to been given to me, and is something I crave in a D/s relationship.
My mind dealt with these insecurities by the simple fact that if I am the one making the decisions (or at least having veto power) then I could feel like I had some element of responsibility for whatever joy she receives; and thus compersion flourishes.
If I can't take at least some credit, I don't know how to feel compersion. As to the compersion felt when she did activities that were not my forte; I didn't care to be responsible for her pleasure in those circumstances.
So yeah, it is a tough battle for one as narcissistic and insecure as I, but admitting it publicly hopefully is the first step to working on dealing with it.
Ideally I would like to find a partner who completely understands the way my mind works and is complimentary to me in this way.
For instance, I have a thing for brown eyes. They make me melt. I want my green eyed lover to know that if a brown eyed girl flirts with me, I am gonna be free to flirt with the brown eyed girl and my green eyed lover can feel compersion in that, knowing she cannot provide the brown eyed girl experience for me!
So the "am I mono or poly?" question is a bit more compartmentalized for me. I like being monogamous regarding things I provide or excel at, but am ridiculously poly with things and people who bring my lover joys I cannot.
Self centered, I know. I just desire to feel special in some way to my lover.
I have a overwhelming desire to know the ways my specialties are manifested with a lover or I don't feel wanted.
Yes, people are more complex than a series of "what they can and can't do." But it is difficult for me to see this.
Therein lies a huge issue I struggle with and why I have been down and depressed as of late.
And though I do not have a lover or a D/s partnership at the moment, this attitude I feel inside haunts me, and needs to be rectified before I journey into my next or rekindle any old poly relationship.
