PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

by DaddyO

Initially I figured this was stupid to put in a public blog, but
nearly all of my friends and even some friends who were not even on my
friends list yet have shown concern. So in the spirit of DaddyO
pretty much always being an "open book" and honesty, here ya go...

As part of my therapy, and in the spirit of full disclosure, here are
the events of my breakdown for all of those concerned with me.

Timeline:

Early September 2010: While I am down visiting my Mom in Palm
Springs, she is admitted into the hospital with stomach pains. She
has had Crohn's disease her whole life so we think it is a flare up of
that. A serious ailment in and of itself, but we are not expecting
what is next...

Christmastime 2010: After being in and out of the hospital where all
they can tell us is something is wrong with her pancreas, they finally
figure out that it is inoperable pancreatic cancer. The survival rate
is less than 10% in cases like these.

January 2011: Due to my Mother's inevitable passing, I start
going to counselling on a weekly (as opposed to "as needed" basis)

Early March 2011: Just before Kinkfest, S, my babygirl of two
years, decides to move on and breaks up with me.

Mid March 2011 forward: I meet T and she immediately rocks my
world. We are inseparable at Kinkfest. My relationship with her has
been nothing short of unending sexual bliss. She is pretty much the
perfect mix of sub and babygirl I have craved. She also shows an
amazing spirit of submission. She decides to submit to me and I
consider myself the happiest man on the face of the planet (with the
exception of the sadness felt due to my Mother's illness)

Late May 2011, in the midst of my most "up" time, Mom is put into
hospice care.

I take my Wife, whom I have considered my soul mate and who I feel
knows me better than anyone else, along with me to my counselling
appointment to help me with my struggles dealing with the issues I
feel with my Mother. Instead of emotional support she drops the
bomb on me that she no longer wants me as her husband! This is an
extreme shock to me (though for those of you who know her, it may not
have been a shock at all).

In the words of Patty Smyth: "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough"

I take solace and refuge with T and begin spending the night at
her place most every night and my Wife and I begin separating my
things and moving me into the spare bedroom.

Due to the fact that my Wife makes over 75% if the household
income, I am prompted to take on a second job at a parking garage in
addition to the home-based business I have been doing for the last
five years (selling used music CDs).

June 2011: The parking garage job schedules me overnight graveyard
shifts (11:30pm-7:30am) on the two weekend nights (Fri and Sat) and
swing shift (3:30-mid) on Mon and Tue. These crazy hours cause me to
not have regular sleep patterns (a very crucial component of healthy
mental health)

My car breaks down. I struggle juggling our one remaining car with my
wife while we are both trying to make it to work (her a 9-5, me during
those odd hours)

Eventually my Wife finds a new car and I inherit hers. I put my
old car (which only runs with a jump-start) up for sale after not
being able to adequately use it as a trade in.

Early July 2011: Mom's condition worsens. Her weight drops to
less than 85 pounds and she cannot eat anything but ice chips. She is
incoherant and I am unable to talk to her on the phone.

Evening, July 17, 2011: After sleeping all day, I get up to organize
my pills (I have daily pills I take for anxiety, diabetes, blood
pressure, cholesterol and cold sores). T comes over and sits on my
lap as per usual. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship and doesn't think she can submit to me anymore.

My fight or flight instinct kicks in and my body goes cold. T
goes home and I fall to the ground in a fit of uncontrollable panic
and tears.

My entire world feels like it has collapsed. I no longer want to face
the pain and challenges. I am angry with the fact that those around
me whom I have given the most of my heart (my wife, my sub and my
mother) are all quite suddenly out of my life.

I call my Wife (who is either at or on her way to a concert in
Vancouver) and tell her when she returns home she will find me dead on
the couch. I ramble on about not wanting to make a mess, and just to
call the coroner, for I would be laying peaceably on the couch.

For the first and only time in my life I seriously felt death would be a
better option than life.

I proceed to cry and wail and hit my fist against the floor for who knows how long. I take several "as needed" anxiety pills but that doesn't quell my nerves.

I call my sister and therapist. She says she is on her way over to the house.

My therapist attempts to calm me with breathing exercises. I am not able

to calm and start hyperventilating and hitting my head against the
wall. My sister calls 911, and while she is doing that, I get up and
take eight Vicodin. My thought process was to go to sleep and never
have to face this stuff again. Whether I died or not was not of a
concern at the time.

Things get vague now, but I remember a host of police cars and
emergency vehicles arriving at the house. I walk outside in my
underwear and am taken by ambulance to a hospital.

Monday July 18, 2011: I wake up a day later in the psych ward. Stay
there for a day and feel really out of place. But my mood stabilizes
and I begin to feel cognizant and can think again.

Tuesday July 19, 2011: Mom dies. Which actually was a relief. I
had dealt with the grief of her dying slowly already.

I am released from the hospital and court mandated hold.

When I get home I find my wife has begun packing and is moving her things and self physically out of the house.

My former sub, whom I have taken great pains to estrange myself from, contacts me and attempts to console me. She gets in her car and says she is on her way over "like it or not."

Despite her best intentions, I make the conscious choice not to see
her and call her and tell her "no."

Thursday July 21, 2011: On my sister's birthday I admit myself to a
"partial hospitalization" recovery program which meets from 9 to 3
every week day.

So that's where we are at. My meds have been adjusted. I am working
on things one step at a time. Looking for a stable roommate. Trying
to sell my car (have someone who claims to be buying it on Thursday!)
Have my business back up and running. Plan to return to work at the
end of the month.

As far as kink is concerned, I am not in a place to go to events or be
kinky right now. I need to work on getting myself better. Problem
is, most of my friends and supporters are kinksters, so in order to
meet with them, I most likely would need to attend some events.

Munches perhaps, but even those are out of the question right now.

I have greatly appreciated all of my friends stepping up and saying
they are here for me. I couldn't have made it without you all.

Even some people who I have had some disagreements with in the past
and might not exactly enjoy the way my opinions or how my brain works,
have shown their support and outreach. My heartfelt thanks go out to
everyone!