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The Bottom Line (is Also the Top's)
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DaddyO's BDSM by DaddyO
It took me a long time to agree with the following statement:
"If the Bottom feels like their consent was violated, then it was."
In order to understand this I needed to utilize non-linear thinking by adding the following caveat:
"If that consent is revoked without the Top's knowledge, then there is no fault to the Top for the violation."
This is unfortunate. But as with every unfortunate event, we can learn by it and do things to make future encounters less likely to be negative.
This doesn't make the violation any less painful. Indeed it makes it more painful for both the Top and the Bottom feel pain.
This does not blame the victim for the violation. It happened. It is unfortunate. Both parties need to reassess what happened. That is all that needs to be addressed. Blame is not important. And regret is only applicable to the individual. Never use your own regret to place blame upon another person!
A Bottom may consent to an activity and upon actually doing the activity, decide they hate it. Yet they may still continue on without safewording or calling stop to the scene or activity for any number of reasons.
"If I just make it through, I will be able to bear it."
"I liked such and such activity with so and so, why am I not enjoying it with this person?"
"They've never pushed me this far before, I am at that point where it isn't any fun."
"I liked doing this before at home, but here in the dungeon it just isn't appealing. But I don't want to disappoint my Dom because they are enjoying themselves so much."
All of these scenarios are unfortunate and sadly dangerous.
One might suggest there should be some blame or at least some responsibility for not notifying the Top beforehand (or during). This is simply not true. Despite it being a very real feeling of violation, there is no fault (if the Top is unaware and the Bottom is not able to communicate a stop), only a responsibility to communicate and do things differently next time...or maybe not play again.
More scenarios can come about after the fact:
Perhaps there was a misunderstanding- to the Bottom "no sex" meant "nothing sexual at all" where to the Top it meant "no penis in vagina."
Maybe the Bottom encountered a lapse in judgment regarding the feel of a certain toy and was too embarrassed to admit it: "Yeah I want the smaller flogger because it won't sting so much."
These are all unfortunate incidences, but nothing productive comes from placing blame when the Top was unaware due to the Bottom not knowing they would regret the activity later. Blame aside, unintentional consent violations are worthy only for the added opportunities they present us for learning and improvement.
Disconcerting as they are, unintentional consent violations are opportunities for improvement for both Top and Bottom.
Just as no blame should go to the "victim", in the case of the unintentional consent violation, no blame should go to the consent violator either.
Still the consent violator, who usually is the Top, has their share of responsibility. This does not allow the Top to skirt the issue or provide free reign to retaliate in anger. It simply provides them an opportunity to be more aware of their Bottom's non-verbal reactions and to fine tune their negotiation skills. To confirm and DOUBLE confirm the intent of the scene and the intended activities contained within.
It also provides Bottoms opportunities to learn to become better at expressing boundaries throughout the play scene as well as communicating with their Top ways to learn to better read their non-verbal reactions and responses.
"I may go into subspace. If I do, I will probably be less responsive. I may even not be able to speak. If this is the case, please remember to ramp it down."
They also give both Top and Bottom chances to make better choices regarding with who we play with and how we play.
All consent violations serve as a sober reminder that the burden of respecting consent culture rests soundly on both parties in a BDSM scene and the community as a whole.
