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The Power of Saying "No"
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DaddyO's BDSM by DaddyO
Some really cool things about the word "NO":
1. The word "NO" is a powerful tool that helps creepers modify their behavior and predators reconsider their motives
Imagine "NO" going viral! That would go a long way towards society's evolutionary retraining of creepers.
People successfully utilizing predatory behavior would also be forced to come up with alternative methods. Methods that wouldn't appear so predatory.
2. Saying the word "NO" does not eliminate the word "YES" from being spoken later
Just as it is pounded into our heads that the word "YES" being given one time does not mean implied consent is given future times.
So if you like the guy, but are just not ready for the level of interaction you anticipate he wants, simply stating: "NO, thank you Sir. I am not ready. If there becomes a time when I am ready, I will be sure to let you know" should be sufficient.
3. There are repercussions on either side, but they are far worse from not saying "NO" than there are for remaining silent or giving an unintended "YES"
I asked someone close to me why it was that submissive women seem to have such a hard time saying "NO" when faced with unwanted advances. She said for her it was because she is afraid of the repercussions.
During a proposal for a physical advance from someone, before making a determination, I believe there is an equal possibility for positive repercussions by saying either "YES" or "NO." But once the advance is seen as unwanted, the only correct conclusion is to say "NO." Sure, saying "YES" can have negative repercussions, but this is why we set our boundaries.
One repercussions from saying "NO" is regret:
"Darn I missed out. He went and played with/touched/hugged someone else."
And if that is truly the depth of "negative" regret one would feel, I think it can be lived with much more easily than the "regret" one would suffer from haphazardly saying "YES" or being silent and allowing some abuse to occur.
Besides, regret can happen in any of the scenarios ("YES", "NO", or "silence").
Saying "YES" when you mean "NO" or BEING SILENT when you mean "NO" always has negative repercussions and always causes regret.
The other negative repercussion that could happen as a result of saying "NO" is there is an expectation that society places upon women to say "YES":
"Women are socialized to say yes, to not make waves and not be a bitch. It can lead to people questioning you, calling you a bitch or other negative things." ~ (anonymous submissive from FetLife)
Women are often shunned or treated in a less friendlier manner if they are not seen as "available." Men tend to gravitate more towards those they see as offering something they value.
Unfortunately (especially in our kink community) the value of "an available woman who quite possibly will have sex with me" trumps pretty much everything else.
It is very sad, and this mindset if not gently combined with friendliness to everyone, almost automatically sends off signals of "you're a bitch."
If a woman is more choosey about who she shares her body with, then she is going to be shunned or avoided more and some may even deem her "stuck up." Even if a man doesn't say the actual words, the attitude he presents makes it pretty clear.
This attitude plays a major role in why women are sometimes afraid to say "no" when confronted with an uncomfortable situation, further muddying the waters surrounding clear consent.
Because society thinks this way that I am behind actively promoting the idea of promoting "NO" in this blog. One woman takes a stand, then another can, and another...and pretty soon all of society changes.
"Someone who is determined to do harm can certainly still do harm. But...the more people are comfortable with clearly asserting their boundaries and saying 'no,' the safer our communities will become." ~(another anonymous. FetLife submissive)
4. Saying the word "NO" (when you mean it) is cool, because accurate communication of your boundaries is sexy!
It also is the easiest way to demonstrate confidence in yourself and by doing so also conversely proves you have the ability to convey your desires too.
5. The word "NO" is empowering and an amazing deterrent towards an unwanted aggressor
It quickly and succinctly detours a huge percentage of people exhibiting unwanted predatory behavior (and those who still refuse, are more easily spotted) whereas silence is a not only a poor deterrent, it often can be seen as a green light to many people. And not only to the aggressor, but to those who later will judge or misjudge the interaction.
Face it, dominant men are by nature aggressive. Some would use the more subtle term "assertive" but given the propensity for submissive women enjoying "rough sex", I am going to stick with the word "aggressive." Case in point: one can be just as assertive in their submission as another can be in their dominance.
6. The word "NO" is short, to the point and easy to say
Hell most people probably know how to say it in several different languages. In fact the actual English word "NO" is also "NO" in at least fifteen other languages.
7. Being able to say the word "NO" (as well as the word "YES") is what makes WIITWD and D/s the awesome experience that it is
Though saying "NO" applies to all genders and all D/s roles, it is especially evident in a power exchange relationship. The Dom/sub relationship is all about empowerment for both parties.
"The sub is only empowered if they really experience the control that they have by saying "NO." If they do not take advantage of their power, they miss out on the richest part of the experience." ~(anonymous FetLife switch)
Setting limits and boundaries and discovering things one does and doesn't want to do, empowers the submissive to learn and grow. More importantly it is the catalyst for the Dom and sub to develop trust together.
I have had some of the most exciting experiences when my submissive has decided that it is now time to attempt an experience that was previously a hard limit or try an activity she has eschewed before.
