Author Information
"Tammy's Dream"
by Jeph Johnson
I was barefoot in the bathroom
with a bad cold when
in Tammy's dream
she came over to my house
and Andy
(the gap-toothed lead singer from Valhere),
and I were watching a horror movie
on one of my five TV's.
I don't enjoy horror movies much at all,
but to Andy it is a passion,
so I figure I was humoring him
the same way he was humoring me
by hanging out at my place.
In the course of the evening
he asked her to sign a petition
that would allow 7-11's
to admit weird-looking people
into their stores
(aimed primarily at the punkers and freaks).
Andy,
despite the space between his two front teeth, was not an out-of-the-ordinary looking man,
and despite being in a rock band,
didn't dress too strangely.
It seemed a worthy cause, nonetheless.
He said we'd all be voting on it the next day
so Tammy signed the petition.
Andy added Valhere was playing
in a free benefit concert for the cause
and gave her a form to fill out.
The form required a $3 processing fee
and a credit card number.
Fearing fraud (and who knows what else)
Tammy didn't want to write down her number.
Andy seemed honest and trustworthy
(most gapped-tooth people are,
ie: Alfred E. Neuman, David Letterman),
but these days you never know.
There was a phone number on the form
so politely she asked Andy
if she could just call them instead
and give it to them that way.
Andy freaked-out,
screaming,
"WHAT!
Don't you fuckin' trust me?"
He was yelling and getting really upset
so I told him to calm down.
Then, from the bathroom,
I hacked up a lugee so loud
that it she jumped out of bed
and ran to the bathroom.
"I'm ok," I said, "sorry to wake you."
I finished brushing my teeth,
washed my frozen face
and rubbed my crusty eyes,
...even trying to smile.
Hobbling back to bed,
I collapsed next to her.
She immediately
snuggled up to me
and told me her dream.
We were really in love
yet hadn't laughed this hard
in a long time.
