GIVER'S REGRET

Folder: 
JOURNAL # 40

as much as my ego
tries to storm my soul
in these moments
I won't allow it
the siege it wants
to take place
I won't collapse
under its spell
I won't swim through
those murky waters
of misunderstanding
I'll just let be
what is happening
and place no attachment
on its outcome or meaning
no more reacting
I'll take what comes
and give as good as I get
when one gives too much
of one's self
one only gets bogged down
in 'Giver's Regret'
this I must to myself admit
but I'm learning
I always over do
and the ego in me
cries foul
but I am fast realizing
I am enough
just as I am
I cannot allow
others insensitivity
to be an irritant
to my skin
just because
it looks to me
like I'm hardly
even thought of
that's a perception
of mine only I
have to work on
I won't
be sad
I most refuse
in myself
even that charity
I'll just rely on me
more and more
and let
all these vague
empty feelings
pass me by
wearily
unfed......................
(March 19, 2011 739am)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this about a female friend whom I help out who has no car so I take her each week with me to the grocery store and this came out of some things she let slip while we were having lunch. No need to go into the particulars but her words made me feel like I'm not really a friend to her so much as a ride to the grocery store. I may have mistook what she said so I never broached the subject further but her over all conversation pricked my ego and as I was writing this poem (which came out of that )it only hit me then that was all it was, my ego was pricked. I likely misunderstood what she said and if she really did mean what she said and I heard it correctly then so be it, that's her loss not mine. I've been a very good and reliable friend to her and one she will greatly miss ( even if it only is for the ride to do her errands and lunch with me each week) when I leave the area. This poem was just my higher self trying to help me put all those churning hurt misplaced feelings of mine into some better perspective and I think it worked.

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