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SPIRITUAL RECONSTRUCTION(dream about Daddy and Grandma)
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JOURNAL #11 walking alone
along a small country bridge
with gun fire in my sweating palms
the summer flowers all along the
small embankment gaze at me in
perfect bewilderment
far off to one side among the yellow
breeze brushed fields of an uncut grain
I see an old black sewing machine
and at it a man is busily sewing
the man is my father
how I know this I can not say
for he's too far off for me to visibly
see
but somehow still I know it is he
though he has long since passed away
so suddenly out of my earliest of life
I am still his child
his little baby girl
the two year old he had to leave behind
he stops his sewing for the briefest moment
and acknowledges that fact and me as such
then he goes back to what he was doing
sewing little pieces of light colored cloth
onto extremely long strands of what seems
like very long dark drapes
that extend for miles or more
with an occasional hint of light on ones
thrown in way, way in the back
just then Grandma appears before me in her
ever present cooking apron
the white one with lace and little blue
flowers
she's smiling at me like I've just given her
some extraordinary Christmas present
which is my very presence in this meadow
I now somehow come to perceive
she is so happy
happier than I've ever seen her
I can actually feel her joy
and for the first time the absolute purity
of her Grandmotherly love as well
she looks the same
I am unsurprised by this
more so relieved
she motions to my father at the sewing
machine far off
and as I look over my shoulder a bright,
new knowledge taps me upon my heart
Daddy loves me
he always has
he never stopped
not even once
and he helps to guide me with that very love
and with the permission of God of course
and he's sewing in some seeds of happiness
into my life
first came mostly the dark cloth
but now he sews together the light
I am overjoyed by the gift of this
enlightening information
slowly, I turn back to Grandma
she is gone
but in her place
lies shining brightly
her treasured mother's ring
the same one I've worn for several years
now
just so I could feel a little closer to her
awareness slowly fills me
that little gold ring represents her love
which in part links my father's love to mine
she's the link I needed to discover and somehow
touch upon
quietly I turn my face up to the heavens and say
THANK YOU Grandma I love you too Daddy
and most of all THANK YOU God
and suddenly I am shoved forcefully back into
myself
with body heaving laborously
but still fully intact
gratitude calms my racing pulse
and I know fully just how good
it is to simply be alive..............
(Dec. 2, 1993)
