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when I find myself alone

I find myself completely alone

no heart, no soul, no thought for anyone to share

or have even known

this closes off every door to any helping hand

total privacy to assess the damage

I don't just ask for

I tend to demand

truly happy hearts

are only fiction created out of confusion

found in the past

relationships were meant to stop and start over again

but apparently not to last

but there are a hand picked few who choose not to

take such path but in the end they bathe in their own

form of brutal bath

we look to the Lord for answers

and our questions never seem to cease

we put our emotions in such a quandary that its

nearly impossible to find any form of love's sweet

release

thanks to my father terror before I dive into anything

head first I like to know the odds

I may defy my fellow man but I won't go against my own

instincts or defy any gods

maybe this is why I am set apart from the others

I can't seem to find whats mine for fear I'll take

another s

I need a sign or perhaps just to give myself more time

say, I'm not yet so very old I'd be a good catch if

I'd let myself be I've been told

all I really want and somewhat need is someone of my

own to love and hold

and to get a lot of love in return not just the cool

embrace of a heart so cold

I have a vague idea of what this man will be like

but he may just be one of the many few I've told to

go to hell like I did when I loved Mike

he wanted someone out of me that I couldn't be

a woman who would go along with his plans and never

disagree

that was who he wanted but I couldn't be such as she

so I find myself once again lonely and alone while he

is currently unencumbered and flying free..........

(written Dec 21, 1991 pm)