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I guess the term worthless never had it so bad

I am lost in my own mistake's heartache

missing love yet drowning in it

why do we humans make such messes for ourselves

what is there in self destruction that is so appealing

and yet so raw

its like brushing up against a jagged wall as hard as you can foolishly looking for warmth and softness

and all you feel are the jagged edges biting at your skin

the forbidden fruit is so sweet

maybe its the ink of your magic

this magic you work over my heart

is it a trick

is that it

is my heart just playing a trick on me or is your heart  too playing a trick on me as well

you make me so mad and then I get so scared

what is your draw

you've bewitched me

im drawn to a man I will likely never be able to have

im such a dumb human moth

I just wish his beautiful light would zap me dead

and kill this thing in me that makes us both so elated and yet in the same breath

so wholely miserable

love is so beautiful at one end of the spectrum

but then it can turn on a tiny scrap and

suck every bit of joy out of your hopes and dreams.

I never felt more worthless than tonight when I for the briefest moment saw how I must look to you through your wounded hungry eyes by way of your wounded even hungrier heart

you love me so so much that I feel you are all the closer now to hating me than you've ever been

and in my crushed and confused brokenness I ponder

how will I ever deal with that big knife of yours

just hanging precariously over my heart

I'll surely die in some manner

whether emotionally

mentally

spiritually or

physically

love never felt more mean than it does tonight........

(written June 28th, 2006 445am)